Thursday, March 27, 2008

My Emotional Well-Being is Directly Linked to The Size of My Butt

My butt is big.

Today I got a postcard from the ladies at Weight Watchers. They want to know where I've been. They even signed their names, Jenn & Deb, in different color pens in fancy cursive so I would know it was "personal."

I imagine them in a corporate meeting:

Big Time Corporate Type Guy with 3% Body Fat: "Okay and we're gonna need to figure out how to push more of these 2 point bars and where is Adventure Grrl? Our stock has taken a drastic downturn since she's not paying for weekly meetings and hoarding all the Thin BBQ Pretzels."

Debbie: "We've canvased all the "Sizzlers" and "Outback Steak Houses," we can't find her anywhere. Usually she can always be spotted within five feet of an All-You-Can-Eat baked potato bar."

Jen: "This is serious. We should send her a postcard."

PS, those pretzels are laced with crack and I don't care if they are in individual size packs - I want three at a time or I want none. Okay, I just want three at a time.

Yeah, I've fallen off the WW wagon. My butt is big and it's starting to get hot out and here I am facing another summer with a big sweaty butt. Sometimes, because I can't see my butt, I mistake it for a smaller size butt and then I will like, knock a glass of wine off a table because I didn't think my butt was all the way over there.

I want to be thin. I'm just in a weird head space where I just don't want to do the work to get there. Which makes no sense because I used to LOVE the gym. In a really unnatural way. Like be sad if it was closed or refuse to go to a hotel that didn't have one or get into brawls with people hogging my favorite machine.

Right now I want to make a t-shirt that says, "I Used To Be Thin." I just want to say, "I'm not always like this, I swear." I don't want my big chunky butt to define me and hold me back from things.

But I feel it is and it does.

You should see how I can get out of a pool party in four moves or less.

"I don't have a bathing suit"
"You can borrow one."
"Um... I have really bad period cramps."
"Oh, you know what's great for that? Soaking in a jacuzzi, we'll get it heated up!"
"I think I broke my leg/arm/pelvis."
"That's okay! We have one of those harnesses that lower you into the pool from when my Grandpa visited!"
"I have a rash called fearofnakedflesh-ititis and it rapidly spreads if it's near any kind of water. Sorry."

And VICTORY is mine. I gotta remember just to lead with that disgusting rash thing. Or maybe... just head back to WW.


This blog is dedicated to diet products laced with crack.
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17 comments:

goony said...

I have a skinny girl living inside me, screaming to get out, but I can usually shut her up with cookies!

Serioiusly, you made me laugh, and I don't give a shit how big your butt is, I think you rock. I'm having a hard time myself right now. Comfort eating and not giving a shit. We'll do better tomarrow.........or the next day, or ya know, sometime in the future.

Michelle J said...

I gotta say you are a great writer! And very funny and honest! I really love your blog! Keep on keepin on!!!
Michelle

HoosierMeeShee said...

"I want to be thin. I'm just in a weird head space where I just don't want to do the work to get there. Which makes no sense because I used to LOVE the gym"

I, too, want to be thin. I know I can be thin (or at least 50 pounds lighter) I've done it before (with WW). Each day I say I'll change, each day I don't. (I've given myself lists of reasons I should lose weight, goals, eating plans, exercise plans, etc.). I can't say I love the gym, but I will say when I exercise I eat healthier, and when I eat healthier and exercise I feel great.

I know I can do it, I know I will do it, I just can't seem to do it right now. I totally understand you're weird head space.

HoosierMeeShee

P.S. Right now my goal is to eat better and pass my classes so I can graduate, and start exercising as SOON as I have the time.

P.P.S. I love your blog.

TwinkleTwinkle said...

I am on the SAME PATH with both you and hoosiermeeshee! I used to be really sad about my weight. id cry about it to my friends and boyfriend, and all id get back from them was "Well, y dont u do something about it then?" and so i kept telling myself, ill do it this summer. im in college, i need to focus on passing my classes first. ill do it this summer. well, summer for me is in exactly 1 month. and im not sure if im ready yet.

anji said...

I'm in the same weird headspace you are at. I want to lose weight but - honest to God, I just can't do it. I can't even TRY to do it because half the time I forget... that's the funny thing about depression, the mind-loss I go through. You'd think at 256 pounds that I'd be big enough to remember to myself that I'm fat. It just doesn't seem to work that way for some reason, haha. Oi.

www.operation100.com

Cheryl M said...

Oh, I feel your pain. I am back at WW for about the bazillionth time. Everyone a work was joining and I fell victim to peer pressure. i didn't want to be the last fat girl standing. I dread the weigh in today as it has not been a very good week but I have decided to go ahead, take my lumps and move on. So I will put on my lightest jeans and hope to pee away at least 2 lbs between now and noon!! Wishing you a low point day!

Julia said...

I'm totally having a "big" day - you know how you go through the day and you're thinking, "I'm looking CUTE today! Take me out!! Just take me! I'm CUTE!"?? Well, today is a wanna-hide-in-bed-in-sweat-pants kind of day, where although I didn't opt for sweatpants and I wore real, grown-up jeans, I still feel BLEH...and I wanted to say thank you because reading your blog was lovely and made me smile. And when all you can think about is how big you are, it's hard to focus on how big your smile can be.

Thank you.

adventure grrl said...

All your posts are so sweet and hilarious too! We'll get there, ladies. And whoever gets there first, will you tell us all how you did it???? :)

PastaQueen said...

I hear ya'. If I wasn't training for a half-marathon, I might have fallen off the exercise wagon completely. I think everyone goes through slumps occasionally. Here's hoping you pull out of it!

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ferretspaz27 said...

Hi Adventure Grrl,

I can totally relate to this post, I have been on the chocolate and Xanax diet myself lateley, I gained weight but thanks to the xanax didn't so much care.

I went to my doc the other day demanding pills to make me thin again. He said "no such thing" and I was prepared, I have been studying, so I said "wellbutrin, It stops cravings and increases your metabolism." He said "there is no way in hell I am prescribing you wellbutrin, it has been linked to seizures." I said "I'll risk it, I am way too fat right now and you have been my doctor for years so you know I don't take half of the important meds you prescribe for me if they even make me feel a bit funny" I got the wellbutrin!

Anyway the chocolate and xanax diet is especially hard in the winter months, I was talking to my little sister yesterday and we were talking about how many opportunities there are for half price candy from October through almost april, there is Halloween, Thanksgiving, Cristmas, Valentines day (I still have extra from Valentines day) and Easter, no wonder people gain weight in the winter and docs think it is seasonal effectiveness disorder, do these people even shop?

Thanks again for the insightful blog, you are totally in my head sometimes (get out, before you see the dirty stuff, I was raised greek orthodox, got tons of thoughts that were suppressed)

Hugs,
Laura

Michelle said...

When I begin to lament the size of my ass, I just think of how big it would be if I wasn't perpetually on a diet. I mean, if it can get to be this size while I'm trying, albeit inconsistently, to shrink it, I can only imagine how big it would be if I never attempted to diet.

Also, Adam & Eve is having free shipping and an incredible sale on sex toys. Put "SEXY" in the discount code box when you check out. ;-) www.adameve.com Maybe you could let your mom do her shopping online?

myself said...

You will do it when you're ready to do it. You aren't in the headspace, and any attempt will fail in that case. But at some point something inside of you will kind of snap and you'll know you need to get on the exercise wagon, go back to WW (although I don't believe in diets per se myself - it has worked for many and is the best "diet" out there) and get the butt shrunk.

I've lost 150 some odd lbs over a while now, recently the 50 (which is 10 over the 40 I regained due to a very bad injury), but I just couldn't want to go to the gym until one day, I just did.

Don't let yourself be pushed. The more we fail, the more we withdraw into ourselves. Not worth it. You'll get there.

Joshua said...

Reader of the male persuasion here. I totally agree with that last comment. It seems the more I screw up, the more I regress. If I eat something horrible, I think, well, I have already messed up, may as well eat crappy again today, I'll pick back up tomorrow. Or, I haven't run in months, why start now? And then I don't even leave the house. While some people slip back into old habits, I hurdle like a meteor.

Jennifer said...

Can SO relate, my sister even looked at me and said, "Girl, your ass is amazing." Now this is not Heidi Klum amazing, this is like, "Whoa, "baby got back'"...everyday I go to bed and promise myself that tomorrow is it, I AM GOING TO BE HEALTHY, yes I want to by thin, but really I want to be active, wear "normal" clothes, look good! And yet, I read some blogs with people that are ill, canser, and get mad at myself because I feel like I am wasting my years. AArgh!!

adventure grrl said...

OMG!!! All your comments are so funny. And Joshua, welcome, love having a man on the scene. I, too, "hurdle myself like a meteor" - usually into a bag of Cheese Popcorn!

cl-pooh1972 said...

This is me too. I think most of the 28 pounds I lost came back to visit... permanently. Since I felt like I was throwing good money after bad by going to WW, I stopped. And I hate to exercise... but used to teach dance & aerobics classes. Go figure.

And I used to think I was fat when I weighed 150 pounds.