Thursday, March 20, 2008

To Tell The Truth

Yesterday I was buzzing with excitement, totally psyched about a new project I was working on when my phone rang. It was my friend L, speaking in very hushed tones. Hushed tones, to me, are reserved for speaking about something scandalous like bad boyfriends or perhaps, robbing a bank or a convenience store.

L: "I think I found a massager for you mother."
Me: "You don't have to do that. I have everything figured out--"
L: "But it's right here at CVS. It says it's for your neck but it's
so obvious it's for your (lowers voice) clitoris."
Me: "Could you NOT say (lowers voice) clitoris?"
L: "Fine. Neck massager... for your lady parts."

And even though I begged off, she would not be diswayed and proceeded to stalk me with cell phone photos of discounted "vibrators" disguised as neck massagers.

See, that's what happens when you keep a blog about your life? Nothing is private, ever again.

Several years ago, before I became a writer, I was on a TV show as a post production supervisor when I ended up writhing in pain and decided I probably had a good twelve minutes left to live and, liking living and wanting to continue to do so, promptly drove myself to the
hospital and checked in.

The next day, they took out my IV, clipped my lil' plastic bracelet off, and back to the office I went. I never told anyone that I was having complications from donating my kidney to my father. Why? Because I knew my Dad was ashamed that he had risked my life to save his. So we never talked about it. We never even "pre-surgery" talked about it. (For historical accuracy a letter was exchanged. But letters are not talking.)

He said, "I hear you're coming home." And I said, "Yes, I am." And then when I did, on the day of the surgery, my mother drove us up to Boston like we were going to the Aquarium or something but instead, we went went to the hospital, donned cotton gowns and caps, they sawed us open and took something out of me and put it into him.

Not many of our relatives knew but one did send me a Coach purse. That's when I realized the magnitude of what had happened, because, Coach purses ain't cheap.

The point is, I used to think, "I must not tell this story. My dad will not feel good if I tell this story."

Now I know, it's my story to tell.

Still, if I were to tell the truth, the truth would be, as far as I've come, I am not really ready for everybody to know every story about me. Yesterday, after finding out some very important persons were going to be looking at my blog, I mini-freaked and raced for the phone. My friend A answered.

Me: "Take down my blog from today!"
A: "What? Why?"
Me: "Because! Just do it!"
A: "But I haven't even read it."
Me: (Monster voice) "TAKE IT DOWWWWWWN!"

I have a very scary Monster voice.

I was later told that A went careening through her house, shoving and everything anything out of her way, to get to her computer and erase the post.

It was too honest. I was not ready.

I hope there will come a time when desperate calls from CVS about (sighs, eye roll) $14.99 massagers or stories about my and my dad's surgery or even the experiences of these past two unimaginable years will not stir fear or self-consciousness in me but for now... the delete button is a beautiful thing.

I'll get there. I will. You'll know. Because I promise to re-post the post I took down, when I do.

This blog is dedicated to relentless friends with camera cell phones.


em said...

It's your blog, reveal as much or as little as you're comfortable. Until then, google reader will let me know when you post again :)

Anonymous said...

The only reason I was whispering was 'cause the store security guard was shadowing me -- she probably thought it was strange that I was taking pictures of vibrators with my cell phone -- oh, wait. I'm sorry. Neck massagers... as for revealing. When it feels right to share, then you will. I think it's as simple as that. xoxoxox L

TwinkleTwinkle said...

To thy own self be true

valerie said...

You are hilarious and I wish I could write like you! I've tried writing blogs, but they either sound made-up or I just copy and paste an article i thought was cool.

so, add THAT to some self-esteem!

(p.s. obviously you have discovered the joys of deleting posts, so I think you can say whatever you want - it's a girl's job to change her mind anyway)

one pound at a time said...

I actually had a chance to read your deleted post prior to your taking it down. What timing I have! It was a beautifully honest conversation you were having with us. We all have different sides that we show people, this was just another more raw side of you. It's very scary to expose yourself like that and I understand the blogger's remorse. :)

When/if you do decide to repost I believe it will be appreciated by all those who read it. You touch more lives than you know and in a way help them to heal by knowing there is someone else out there feeling the same.

Until then I am thoroughly enjoying the awkward feeling I get reading about your adventures with your mom. You definitely have enough material to write your own show!


Anonymous said...

I too got to read the post before you deleted, and spent the better half of yesterday thinking perhaps I was losing my mind because the post disappeared. My first reaction of that post was NOT "wow she is riskily exposing herself for all of us to see", I thought it was a heartfelt and a beautiful reminder that we are all human and human emotions cannot and will not be controlled, they will run their own course. You are an amazing writer, and the true success of this blog comes from your ability to captivate an audience whether you are talking about awkward sexcursions with your mother or tragedies that have struck you and your family these past few years.
So take a minute and give yourself a hug from me, and all the other readers out there who love you for who and what you are!


RadoMom said...

It's your life and your blog. We are the fortunate ones who get to peek into it!

GoGo said...

I love your blog, I think your writing is so fearless and raw and speaks to young women in a way that is hard to find right now. It's okay if you needed to take a post down, just know, a lot of us, we don't just come for the funny stuff, we come to be inspired by your journey.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy reading your blog, how it helps to know that other people have dealt with depression and can also see the funny side of life and the things it throws atcha! It's so inspiring and refreshing to see you laugh at life's trivial things, while stil maintaining your.. human side.

It's great to see that fight in you.


Cheryl M. said...

I have been reading your blog for quite a while, don't even know how I found it. This is the first time I have commented here, but have commented on your CSL page. I love your writing and your courage to put so much of yourself out there for us all to read. I think that is what keeps bringing me back, the raw honesty and at the same time you are so funny. I am currently dealing with many of the things you write about here, weight problems, depression and the loss of a loved one. It is comforting to know that I am not so alone. Know that I am here cheering your successes and holding you up when the going is tough. Thanks for all that you share.

Anonymous said...

These are your stories. This is your honesty. And you ARE a FIERCE mofo. You are ready—don’t let your self-editor tell you otherwise. You are REAL girl, no longer the ‘good girl’, and your stories are REAL REAL REAL. And you are PROUD PROUD PROUD to own your own story.

Don’t believe me? Well, 18,561 people think so too. So there.


Anonymous said...

I think it is a beautiful thing that you donated a kidney to your dad. Nothing says I love you like second hand body parts. When I was first diagnosed with sarcoidosis of my lungs my brother quit smoking, I thought it was because he didn't want to take his healthy lungs for granted, he said it was to give one to me if I ever needed one. I don't think it works that way with lungs but it was the nicest thing anybody ever did for me. I love your blog and I respect your right to reveal when you are ready.

Cheerathlt14 said...

Hey! SO you and my nana have inspired me to write my own blog and I was hoping you could maybe advertise for me a little bit. It is nothing obscene, or completely pointless. It is not anything completely abnormal. It is if you would like to check it out first. I appreciate it!

Stay fierce and keep inspiring others =]

The Phoenix's Egg said...

So I just stumbled my way over here a couple of days ago, and clearly, did not see the post in question, but hey--sometimes too much too soon is just as bad as not enough and never doing the scary things. You're right to honor your gut feeling on whether you're ready.

And when you are, I'm looking forward to reading.

adventure grrl said...

Thank you guys for all your support. It really means so much to me. x0x0x0x (The "O"s are big 'cuz they're extra hugs).

Monica said...

have no shame, dear. courage takes time (ya know, like gathering up the courage to get out of bed, but ya did it, like not wearing sweatpants, but ya did it, buy the "big girl jeans", but you did it, like telling us to stop hiding and lurking and comment dammit!, but ya did it [as did we]) so give yourself time, and just know that i for one, will never judge you, no matter what it is. you've got a reader and a friend in me, ag :D