Monday, April 14, 2008

Life At 100mph

Life is crazy busy, I feel like lately, I've been shot out of a canon and I'm flying through the air, hurtling toward a ring of fire. Don't get me wrong, there's been time to play too, (Tequila, anyone?) but I get up in the early a.m. and I just start running.

Between all the work, the writing, the pitching, the preparing, the meetings and the greetings, I've been aware of how I've neglected my blog. And then I thought, if I don't write soon, THEY'LL ALL ABANDON ME! AND MY MOTHER LANDS ON THURSDAY AND I CANNOT BE ABANDONED RIGHT NOW!

P.S., when I write in caps, it's because I'm screaming.

Today I called my good friend, N. Here name is not really N or start with an N. But I must protect her anonymity because I REALLY really need her to do me a solid (I mean, favor - sorry, I was trying to be cool). S & L were supposed to pre-lap the aisles of the sex shop with me so I can be prepared for my mother's inevitable demands for a... thing-y that... you know... vibrates.

Alright, a vibrator. See, I'm awful at this. Any way S is sick and L went on a cruise (PS, S better cough up a lung and L better come back with a tan for her and a "Carnival Cruises" robe for me or I'm not buying it.) I can't really handle this myself, so I called N. "Will you go look at vibrators with me so I can be ready to take my Mom shopping for one when she gets here?"

N, burst out half laughing, half gasping, "NO!"

I begged and I pleaded. "PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE!!!!!!!!"

She finally said, "Yes" but I fear I will only learn it means "No" once I call her on Thursday and she's had her phone line disconnected.

Me and N are a like. Good girls. Shy about stuff we shouldn't be. Although if you had seen me out Saturday night with a group of ten guy friends, you wouldn't think I was shy about anything (Tequila). We all talked about sex: first times, lousy times, awkward times, times that involved not being aware that the other person had, um, fallen asleep... DURING.

But that was all tequila talk. This is my MOM AND HER SEX LIFE... WITH MY DAD. I get embarrassed seeing them in bathing suits! But I don't want to make the same mistake that was made to me - not talking about sex or making it seem like it's something to be ashamed of. I don't want to do that to my Mom. Hence, the preparation.

And also, you know, if she ever steps outta line or buys me a sweater from the Maternity section in order to embarrass the fat off of me, I can sit back and say, "Hey Mom, remember that time when you came to L.A. and made me take you vibrator shopping?"

This post is dedicated to things that are made of rubber.


HoosierMeeShee said...

If I lived in CA I'd take you, but I don't. Anyway, my advice...
1. Go to the store first, so you know where in the store to avoid (porn, more "intense" toys, etc). You may have to go to more than one to find one you'd be willing to take you mom to. (Also see 3.)
2. Since you'll be nervous, avoid eye-contact with customers of the store. (This helped me when I first started visiting them.) However, feel free to make eye-contact with the employees, they've seen plenty of people like you.
3. Also visit more than one store so you are prepared if she wants to check out more than one location.
4. Once you determine where stuff is in the store (i.e. the locations in the store you intend to avoid), if she starts to wonder that way, warn her. Let her know you're not going to that section, and mean it. If she chooses to check out those sections, don't feel obligated to join her.
I guess that's it... good luck!! I hope I never have to do this with my mom...


Ill take tequila talk over vibrator talk..but, I am on the other fence. Why? Because I can't even ask my mom a question about s.e.x without her scoffing at my quest for knowledge. There was a time when my sister and I were younger and my sister asked my mom an honest question: WHAT IS A BONER? My mom did the blush, and said, "NAME OF SISTER(INSERT NAME!)don't talk that way."

The grass is always greener, isn't it? :)
if only parents could figure out a way to meet in the middle.

Happy Week.

anji said...

Can you find a high-end sex store? That isn't quite so weird and skanky? And mention your mom is coming and God, please help me and me our tour guide?? :P


One Last Milkshake... said...

I'm with anji, find a high-end, woman orientated shop. There must be one in the LA area. Unfortunately, I'm too embarrassed to do a google search for you but that's what I would do. We have one where I live and it's not dirty at all. Much more comfortable and you don't have to worry about some guy in a trench coat making the magazines in the back "sticky"...

Good luck!!! I would totally go with you if I could, just because it doesn't really bother me much.

Anonymous said...

From minneapolis with love.

Anonymous said...

you've said "mother" and "vibrator" so many times on this blog that you should be immune by the time she comes! it's like you're your own therapy!

enolan said...

Maybe you could avoid this altogether by suggesting your mom call one of those companies that do sex toy parties and ask to see their catalogue? that way it's still incredibly awkward that you're helping your mom with this, but at least it's not in public?

Last year when I was throwing my friend a bachelorette party, she specifically requested there to be sexy gag stuff at the party. The problem was that the only other bridesmaid who was over 21 had to drop out of the wedding due to being pregnant, but she agreed to still throw the bachelorette party with me so I wouldn't be completely on my own. -And that's how I ended up making my first visit to a sex shop with a VERY visible pregnant woman! We were both really embarrassed and got weird looks, but we ended up having fun in the store and found really funny things for the party that ended up being a big hit. I just hope the experience doesn't turn her son into the next Hugh Hefner or something!

TwinkleTwinkle said...

LOL man I wish I had something to hold against my mom when she brings up something I hate. Example: we are on the phone the other day, talking about something out there like... the weather or something. then out of the blue, its "so hows ur weight doing". GOSH i wish i was disrespectful so i could say "probably the same as YOUR weight is going!" but id never say that to my mom. plus shed retaliate with "well i only ate an apple alllll last week. i lost 12 lbs". pshhhhhhhhhh. Adventure Girl, give me some advice to combat the mother word vomit. things that spill out of them and u wonder if they meant to say that or not... let me know if get any good practice with ur mother when she comes.

sorry if i sound INSANE. i have a fever...

Anonymous said...

You know.. there are such things as Sex Toy parties. I'd recommend the one by Athena. Your Mom could round up some friends (or co-workers!) and a hysterical woman comes out and shows them the how-to's and where-does-that-go!

Then if they want to order any products, they do so privately with the Athena woman.

thesleepycat said...

Your mom lands today, right??

Good luck, keep us posted!!!!!!!!

TwinkleTwinkle said...

Meet your mom with a big blow up dildo at the airport :D TEEHEEHE