Well, we have a winner! Proving that even mothers who are busy tearing away at their daughter's thread bare self-esteem have time to think about vibrators, I will announce which one of you wins the contest in my next entry.This has been the craziest week in a long time. I've come to realize a lot of things during my Mom's visit, mostly, THAT IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE. (Again, I write that in caps because I am screaming it.)
One thing I want to say to all the cool Moms that read this blog and cringe that you might one day have an ungrateful daughter like me who blogs about you behind your back, the thing is, my Mom isn't the most, shall we say, mentally well person around.
The problem is my Dad has really hid this problem from us and enabled her to the point where I'm unclear if she's taking meds, when she's taking meds and if she's seeing someone regularly for this problem. This trip would prove negative on all counts.
Things really went haywire on Sunday when I, needing space, after the self-esteem stripping encounter that was our Saturday night dinner, suggested that I take her down to the beach hotel she booked for us that week, have dinner with her and then come up to my own apartment and join her for breakfast the next day.
She went Koo Koo Bananas. Yelling at me at my favorite restaurant (sorry, Los Feliz Cafe... I tried to tip accordingly to my mother's melt down), saying that this isn't how she planned things, why had she even bothered to take time off work if I was going to change the plan and maybe she should just get on a plane and leave.
I reiterated calmly that I just wanted three hours to myself. It's kind of funny because she's a therapist. FOR REAL. So asking for space and asking for a boundary from A THERAPIST and then getting yelled at by one... kinda funny.
That should be my new reality show: "Tonight on 'Therapists Exposed' - by day she gives her patients advice, disbelieving their mothers could be so cruel, by night, she terrorizes her own daughter about how many calories are in a Starbucks muffin!"
Are ya with me, or are ya with me? So I could go down the whole list of Koo Koo Banana-ness - her checking out of the beach front hotel she was staying in because it was not as nice as she remembered to instead stay at the motel near me with, as my friend A, said, the beautiful view of the neighboring Costco; her vitriol at her sister for having two anorexic daughters when she so obviously has three daughters with food issues, her lectures on the fat and calorie content of almost everything I've eaten since she's landed, etc.
(P.S. did you know instead of dessert, you can just have two chocolate covered Altoids for 7 1/2 calories each?! How have I lived without this information for this long?)
But I'm kind of exhausted living it, so I'm not going to put you through it.
I think my Mom can definitely sense my pulling away from the chaos that is having her for a Mom. I don't engage or take the bait as much and that makes her furious. When I won't argue, she can't win and I think that makes her feel judged in some way. I long to just have a normal relationship with her but there's such an element of wanting to protect myself from her, too.
It's really sad. Sad to have your Mom come out to visit and all you think about is how you can't wait until she leaves.
This post is dedicated to waiters who bring you a second margarita without even asking.
10 comments:
Yeah, you have a "special" mom there. What is it with parents?! Some are normal. Others, like your mom and my boyfriend's mom, are not.
Bless you for dealing with her. You are a stronger woman than I.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose... and you can pick your friends nose... but you cant pick your family (or something like that). Isnt that the truth?? I want you to know that I was frowning and shaking my head while reading your blog. I feel so bad that things arent going the way we all hoped. I wish I knew what to say to make it all better, or what you could say to your mom, but I cant, cuz i honestly dont know whats wrong with her. But from one friend with an also utterly lunatic mother to another, i hope everything works out. i know that if i told my mom that i wanted time to myself, she would say that i was ungrateful and that i had an attitude problem, im possibly depressed and that i should see someone about my "mood swings". Moms need to stop watching daytime Dr. Phil and then thinking they know it all!!
take care!!
xoxoxox
Though lately my relationship with Mom has been better, and this last visit with her went amazingly well, I think I should share one of our most memorable encounters...
Flashback to 1994... After graduation from high school I moved in with my dad, and didn't speak to her for 6 months. We then worked up to dinner and a movie (in that order, for sake of conversation) once or twice a month...
It's now summer 1995, and I'm going to my college orientation... she wants to go with me, it's an overnight stay, and we risk it. All the way down in the car (luckily only an hour), we discuss what classes I want to take. She mentions a health class to which I reply, "I'm thinking about it, but I want to talk to the counselor first to see what she thinks." We get to orientation, and go through the programs and all (I am to meet with the advisor and register the next day). With the EXACT SAME health class conversation happening a many more times that day.
That night, I go to the Union building for fun stuff, and Mom doesn't say anything about when I should be back (I was 18, almost 19). However, I lose track of time because I met someone I got along with well. I'm out really late, and when I finally get back to the dorm we are staying in, the lady at the front desk asks if my name is [hoosiermeeshee]. I tentatively say yes, and ask why... Apparently, Mom freaked out, called and found out the Union had closed, called the front desk, and went so far as to call the campus police...
Next morning, the health class conversation starts AGAIN!!! Once again I respond that I'm thinking about it but want to talk to the advisor before I decide. To this she responds, "But [hoosiermeeshee] you're FAT!!!" (At this time she weighed more than me.)
I finish getting dressed as fast as I can, and leave to complete my registration, etc. I'm so angry I forget a few things I'm supposed to do that day. However, I do end up taking the health class that I had been thinking of on the recommendation of the advisor. I meet with my mom later and tell her my schedule. When I get to the health class she says, "But I thought you didn't want to take a health class."
I remind her that I had been thinking about it, and only didn't blow up because we were in public, but it was a close call. The drive home was tense and quiet, and we proceeded to not speak to each other for a month or so after that.
P.S. Ironically, she sent me baked goods a few times a month when I went to school.
P.P.S. This also started my battle with weight.
I just wanted to let you know I got a total "you're not alone" feeling from reading your blog after a weird fight-like situation with my mom last night. You are really brave, and doing a really great thing by sharing all this with us. Hang in there! She'll be gone soon!
I can so relate to you. My Mother is absolutely Crazy!! Only, I wish she would get on some meds. It just might help. She wasn't always crazy. It just seemed to get worse the older we got and then just all came crashing down on us when the last kid moved out of the house. We regularly have periods of not speaking. I have to say though, it made me chuckle when I read about your Mom getting mad when you wont argue with her. My Mom does the SAME thing!!! I have gotten to the point where I just laugh at her when she gets mad about me not wanting to argue with her. Wow, I wonder how I would be if I didn't have a nut case for a mom.
I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with your mom... we long for the moms from our childhood and when we are old enough to have the adult relationship with the mom, we can't because now they are the ones who need help.
I'm from an aboriginal background... and part of the problem is that you need to respect your elders and that's what we're brought up to do... the problem is, when the elder isn't well, it's hard to do something that we feel can hurt them (which is what you're feeling)... the problem also is - you can't be around her more often to actually be of a help to her because of distance. Otherwise you'd be able to see she's not taking her meds, or going to therapy, etc. And - it's just how society is now, we live too far from our families. And, you shouldn't feel bad. But - I think what you need to do is write her a letter because your communication lines have broken down. Write your letter tonight... re-read it in the morning (and make sure it still says what you want it to say)... and then give it to her. She's blocking your communication but - if she sees it, it's a different type and she may be more receptive.
I'm really, truly sorry your mom is having such a hard time and that you feel the way you do.
Take care of your self first, before you can help her... *hugs*
In a nutshell your still the "child" and she is still the "mom". They are tough rolls to give up.
You can only do so much. It does make great blog fodder. Have I mentioned wine fixes just about anything? ; )
Well thank you, you've sort of made me glad for my somewhat standoffish relationship with my mother... we're both like that with each other...so I guess it's normal for us?
CLpooh1972 - You are a stronger woman than you know!
Twinkletwinkle, Hooiermeshee, Enolan, Natalie, Myself - thank God for you - I always worry as I am going to come off as such a terrible person and then you guys make me realize I am not alone. And H, I totally relate to a mother who picks on you about food and doesn't realize "Hello, the very thing you are trying to prevent - me gaining weight - is what you are pushing me to do!"
Anji - Your comment really made me think. As bad as I think things are, at least I have the choice to stand up for myself. I'll be thinking of you.
RadoMom, thnak you, as always :)
Crazy mother 101! Right here! Yep, i can so relate to you and your mother situation. It's so frustrating to say the least! This is why i am in therapy.
Just keep blogging, my friend!
M
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