Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Skinny Bitches

Can we talk about skinny bitches?

You know, I used to be one, prancing around in my size 6 jeans and feeling like there would never be a day when I would have a voluminous extra ass and jiggly hips and thighs... and arms. Then I got hella down in the dumps and foods I would never even eat before, like bagels and croissants, started to be my staples for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I'm not sure where the turning point came (if it has come) but I thought, do I really want to gain more? I mean, this has REALLY gotten out of hand. (When you have labored breathing getting into your car, it's time to examine your life and diet).

So I decide to sign up for a boot camp in my neighborhood. Right. A normal person might start taking long walks or say, ride the bike at one of her three gyms she pays memberships a month to.

Not me. I may have my "Before" body, but I want my "After" life.

I go to the Pilates bootcamp (yeah, I'm rolling my eyes at my extreme pretentiousness, too). What I remember about pilates is that it's exercise you can do laying down. I'm in! Can we watch TV, too?

Oh, but then the Skinny Bitches who are taking the class with me walk in, each in a more fabulous and more Juicy outfit than the other. Are you kidding me? I'm wearing bright blue Target (half price sweats), a red Gap t-shirt and mismatched socks.

The Skinny Bitches scoff at me. And I scoff at myself. This is not my Burbank pilates - this is a Kick Your Ass and Hand It Back To You workout. I rustle through my purse making sure I have my insurance card with me.

The only comfort I have is that a Very Famous TV Star is in class and he cannot keep up either. I won't say who he is, because ya know, I want to be respectful of his privacy. Okay, it's totally TR Knight from "Grey's Anatomy" and I'm kicking his ass but that's not saying much. He keeps reducing the weights whenever the instructor turns around.

I leave, every inch of me drenched in sweat. I now feel immense compassion for any self-defined big girl who returns to a work out class after not going in like, forever. It's hard. I wonder if people made assumptions about me. I wish I had a t-shirt that said, "I Used To Be Thin Like You."

Hmmmm... it couldn't be much to print one of those up?

I always said, this wouldn't be a diet blog. It's my journey back to the person I used to be. And that person was fit and kick ass. She might have been a Skinny Bitch, too. Someone who wore her perfect outfits to exercise class and took her sensible weight for granted.

I will never do that again.

I will say, when I gain weight, I am in total denial. Even as I'm going from my jeans, to bigger jeans, to sweat pants - I kind of have no idea that I am changing. I think, I'm just me and somehow when I'm ready, I'll (snap my fingers) just go back to a size 6.

Yesterday's insanely, brutal wake-up call in the form of a woman screaming at me to "Get that butt, up! Up! Do you want those saddle bags??? DO YOU WANT THAT JIGGLE BEHIND YOUR ARMS????", told me, this is going to be a frickin' lot of work.

(P.S. I did wonder what would happen if I told her that Yes, indeed, I did want to to keep my saddle bags, but I was too scared. So was TR.)

I went back again, today. I could almost feel tears coming to my eyes, it was so INCREDIBLY hard. Why did I do this to myself? UGH!

But I also felt immensely proud. I didn't let the Skinny Bitches deter me. And I got my butt up, a little higher and my instructor even screamed at me a little less today.

Awesome.


This blog is dedicated to Big Girls who take big chances.
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15 comments:

thegoodnamesaretaken said...

I'm glad you let out who the famous person was :) Otherwise, I might have had to resort to e-mailing you and begging. No, no, I would never do that! (Maybe)

I really admire people who go to the gym and aren't super skinny and fit. I know how hard it is for me to be there. Way to go on the Pilates! Keep it up!! And tell TR to knock off the cheating ;)

Average Girl In Average World said...

I once was askinny bitch too, ah the days - 2 kids and 50 lbs later - I have started to slowly "fix" big girl syndrome. Working out all that good stuff. And if you like - say the word and I will personally get us BOTH a shirt saying "I used to thin like you"

Lola said...

Just stumbled upon your blog and after 5 minutes of reading I'm hooked! Your "my blood type is guilt" line really resonates with me, daughter of a Catholic mother and Jewish father ... I know guilt. And that same guilt is what sends me and my fat behind to the gym now and then, cause I feel bad paying for it and not going. Keep writing, the world need more of you!

Lola
hhtp://lolaology.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

This blog is awesome. Keep going, girl. You continue to make me laugh and inspire!!!

Janae

GoGo said...

I loved this one. I'm a retired gym rate who must MUST get back. So I really needed to hear this story. Thanks!

theneatos said...

(applaud)

I used to be a Skinny Bitch ... even after having a kid. Then all hell broke loose. It's been hard to stay on course ... and your blog helps jolt me back to reality. It's good to hear that other people struggle and overcome. I am so glad that you went back and you are kicking ass.

Say hi to TR ... or well ... just smirk at him. He's my fave. Quirkly little guy.

Keep kickin ass!

Anonymous said...

This blog made me laugh. Oh, what would we women do if we were not so hard on ourselves about our weight??? But you keep fighting girl, your spirit leaps off the screen. :)

andrea

adventure grrl said...

Hi Ladies!

I'm so glad you liked this post. Average Girl - thanks for the offer, I might just take you up on that! Thegoodnamesaretaken, Thanks for rooting me on! Lola, thanks for your comment. It's why I keep writing here. It really means a lot to me. Theneatos - I'll let you know if I see TR again. I fear seeing me in my workout clothes might have scared him straight, ya know? To all the rest, thanks for being so sweet :)

Anonymous said...

thegoodnamesaretaken said...

I'm supposed to sign up for a class at the gym and go once a week but I haven't done it yet because the whole group exercise thing makes me nervous. Thanks for giving me a little bit more motivation and keep up the good work! It's totally true that I never want to go but I feel better afterwards.

July 7, 2008 2:31 PM

Anonymous said...

Average Girl In Average World said...
I learned it gets easier as the weight drops off. I lost 17 lbs, and fell off the wagon. I am trying to get back on, but I think I need a gym or something to keep me motivated :(

Just think, when you become all hot again, those skinny bitches will be hatin!!!!

July 9, 2008 11:25 AM

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
I love it! 4 times last week! Wow, you go girl! awesome!

July 9, 2008 12:18 PM

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
Good going girl!!I have also started gymming too. and swimming and a healthy diet and a lot of other things. Reading ur blog gives my motivation and energy. would like to quote something i came across reading somewhere - “Fear is a habit; so is self-pity, defeat, anxiety, despair, hopelessness and resignation. You can eliminate all of these negative habits with two simple resolves: I can!! and I will!!”
--Rhea

Anonymous said...

RadoMom said...
Just do what you can and maintain in the meantime! I lost 25 lbs last year and have 20 more to go. But I'm taking a break, & maintaining where I'm at. When I'm ready, I'll go for it and be done.
For you...enjoy the libido, extra energy, and good sleep. If you fall off the wagon for a while, there's always another wagon the next day to jump back on when you're ready.

P.S. Skinny Bitches have just as much baggage as we do!

July 9, 2008 10:18 PM

Two Date Diva said...

I am going to give you the low down on skinny bitches. (I am one so, I know the drill!) Skinny bitches are way too concerned about what you and everyone else thinks of them, to be concerned with what you are wearing/not wearing. They are just as self conscious as you are. I think your mission(should you choose to accept) should be to embrace your inner skinny bitch. She is in there! Find her and channel her. The next time you walk into pilates class or any room for that matter, I want you to BE the skinny bitch. Walk it, talk it, own it. And pass by the other skinny bitches in the room with a knowing look. Because they are probably faking it worse than you can imagine. BE THE SKINNY BITCH! Pretend that you are walking into that room in sample size couture whatever outfit you fantasize about. Pretty soon, it won't matter what size is on the tag in your sweats, you'll already be a skinny bitch in your head.

Michelle J said...

T.R. Knight, your fucking kidding??? That rocks! Who cares about those skinny bitches!!