Monday, October 27, 2008

If I Haven't Seen You In A While, I Will Run And Hide Behind A Car

This POST was voted "Most Likely To Be Totally Worth The Read." And I have the sash that says so. I'm wearing it now while drinking my 7-11 coffee.

First of all, I LOVED all of your comments on the post about the Diet Devil.

I hate to be all message-y and when you read my post below, you will run screaming from the computer before you will ever take advice from me again - but (before you lose all respect for me) let me say this one thing - we are all too hard on ourselves.

If you have a bad day, if your Diet Devil has wrestled you to the ground after convincing you that Ben & Jerry's and Nachos make a sensible snack, just ya know, start over tomorrow.

Forgive and forget.

If I had done that over these past three years instead of just digging myself deeper and deeper into a situation where fat girl jeans were required, I'd be so much happier.

They say the longer you do something, the more it becomes a habit. I'm on day... 36 or 37 of stellar eating and I'm seeing stellar results. The more days of good, healthful, "broccoli tastes just like candy!" I can string together, the more it feels like a way of life and the less it feels like unbridled torture.

Now here's my story... the one I'm mortified to tell you. The one in which, I, of a voluminous butt and jiggly old lady underarms, ran behind a car so people I haven't seen in three years would not see me.

Yeah, I did that.

Because I wasn't wearing a t-shirt that said, "Hey, awkward. We haven't seen each other in three years and I look like I gained a second grader around my middle and I'm totally embarrassed but just so you know - this is a totally temporary situation. If you are coming around the corner, in like six months, watch out, 'cuz I'm just gonna be that hot. And by hot, I mean, I will posses thighs that do not rub together."

I looked for that t-shirt at The Gap but they were out of XL.

It happened tonight. I was coming home from the dog park and there was this couple I haven't seen in years and they were walking on my street and I just felt... um, uncomfortable in this bigger body. I know I'm all ra-ra and "Don't let your big butt get in the way of your big life" and then I go duck behind a car but...

Yeah, I did that.

I've had this thing drilled in my head from my family and yes, I know it's a bad thing and I know it's a wrong thing, but it's still a thing. And it's that being heavy is a sign of weakness. That you must be weak to let that happen. That I must be weak.

It's really hard to admit that is in me, that to a degree I believe that.

But there's another thing I believe and that is, that it makes you super strong to turn what seems like an impossible situation (a big weight gain and a butt made from donuts and margaritas) - a situation that would be so much easier to stay in, to wallow in and to make worse (pound by pound) - it makes you super strong if you try and change that situation.

That's what I'm doing now. On the treadmill or putting spinach in my egg whites or not eating after 7pm or saying no to yummy dark beer and yes to apples instead of chips or ordering black coffee instead of lattes.

And even when it's felt like the results are agonizingly slow and even though I sometimes stop and beat myself up about why I would ever put myself in this situation, I think, "At least I'm doing it. At least, I finally took control and I'm doing it."

Then I breathe a sigh of frickin' relief. Two pounds lost has become six and then ten and then twelve (and a half... don't forget the halves, they add up.)

So, I'll try to not beat myself up, I will shut the brain door on thinking I'm weak and I will really, really try and stop ducking behind cars at night when I see people I'm not ready to see.

Because strong people know what they're doing and don't care what other people think.

This blog is dedicated to Jeeps with their wide ends for hiding behind.


saveyoursoul said...

I feel that in a different sense..

Our high school reunion is coming up, I am in the middle of another degree (i changed my major twice before this one but finally found my niche) and just got dumped at the beginning of the year by the guy everyone thought I'd settle down with. Got a lotta nothing to show for myself. I'm into the duck and cover reaction.

Maybe I just won't go!

You inspire me to get my act together, thanks


Anonymous said...

I have hidden behind a car before in order to avoid someone. I've also pulled up to a store, seen someone I wanted to avoid and driven away even though I really need to go into that store! Sometimes, I just can't be the brave one but I'm glad I'm not the only one who has done something like this.

adventure grrl said...

saveyoursoul - you're going to that reunion! come on! reunions are seminal moments that we don't miss. this is what you do - you have your "jay leno" story. your "jay leno" story is your fabulous life summed up into a three to five minute sound bite, eve if it's exaggerated, even if it's a dusting of a white lie just to get you through the night. every single girl who has to go to a wedding, reunion or a christmas party where she hasn't seen certain people in a while needs one. don't say you "got a whole lotta nothing" to show for yourself. at your 20th, you will see half those couples that you see at this reunion divorced or miserable. maybe you can't see it now, i never could when i got dumped, but always - months and months later, i would have a "thank god" moment. it'll happen for you, i promise. let yourself be sad, let yourself mourn, but don't miss out on a big life event. i'm rooting for you :)

saveyoursoul said...

You're so amazing. I wish you would blog 5,000 time a day to entertain me haha.

Thank you so much for the wise words. They make my day.

Tw!nkleTw!nkle said...

I have done this before. ur not alone. only mine i believe (im sure its been more than once) was hiding behind a rack of clothes at target. or going down the PLANT isle, like i really plan on buying anything there... just not to be seen.

im glad i had something to read before i went off to lunch with my friend... hmm what to order? Panda express... or subway?

Anonymous said...

I have avoided situations like that ... by making a turn, hiding, etc. I have even opted to NOT to go an event because I did not want the thinner, more accomplished, richer people from my past. All terribly silly reasons, I know. And, now that I think I have the courage to show my face? I live nowhere near anyone that I would encounter! Hmm ... maybe that is why I have more courage?

noley said...

Congrats on the 12.5 pounds – that’s awesome!

I recently beat DD too and adopted a healthy approach to life but it seems like even after it becomes routine, it’s still a thousand little decisions you have to think about everyday. Otherwise the DD is sure to sneak back into your life.

I’m a new reader/fan of your blog. =)
I recently lost 15 pounds – doesn’t sound like a lot but it was for me because I’m very petite and as a percentage of my total weight it’s huge. I was definitely in my fat girl jeans for some time. Plus, I live in OC where if you gain 20 pounds, the vanity police promptly show up to exile you.

I love your blog because I can really relate to the dieting stuff – like right now I’m rocking my skinny jeans which I bought way back when I was shopping for my “future size” along with dresses, bikinis, etc. And now that I fit into my all my “museam” pieces I don’t like any of it anymore because it feels like it’s all out of style since I bought this stuff 2 years before I could actually wear them. I also hid when I was heavier – not behind cars but in my house, in denial, in sweats.

I know it’s not a diet blog – I’ve been reading up. But just wanted to let you know the dieting stuff you blog about helps me feel like I’m less insane and that someone else is out there obsessing about diet devils and their butt and shopping for “future size” clothes too. And I really applaud your courage for sharing it with the world.

I like the other stuff too and it’s got me thinking. I tend to obsess about weight loss and it consumes all my attention but now that I’m kind of done, I might have to deal with some other stuff I’ve been ignoring. By the way, since I recently found your blog I’ve been doing a lot of backreading and now I’m self-conscious you might think I’m a lurker – I have no idea how you can “see” us, but if you “see” me on here all day it’s because I’m trying to catch up but I have to work too so I kept it open to go back to it in between spurts of work. =)

adventure grrl said...

Noley, I love that you're enjoying the blog. Don't worry, I can't really see you! The sitemeter just tells me how long someone has been on and what website referred them - I hardly look anymore, I just like reading the comments and knowing people can relate. Congrats on the 15 pounds - that's awesome, you're inspiring me :)

Michelle J said...

Great post AG!

You know i've done it too! Maybe, not behind a car but certainly behind something!!! Thats the point, not to hide behind anything!! Just get the heck out there, in the open!!

You are probably a gorgeous lady!! What your doing here on your blog is really wonderful. Your helping people. Get that??? YOU ARE HELPING!!!

For that i thank you!!

carbon monoxide breather said...

i avoid people constantly. one time i was walking from uni to the coffee shop about a .5 mile away, saw my threapist walk in from the side other side of the road, hung out on this weird side road for like 15 minutes while waiting for my friend to pick me up and go to another. while "hanging out" i ran into this same guy on his bicycle at least 3 times, and on the third he had a car and asked me where I needed a ride to. haha. I have more stories then this but I won't bore you.

CONGRATS on 12.5 pounds!!!

forgetfulone said...

You crack me up! It totally sounds like something I would do.

Anonymous said...

Dear Adventure Grrl,
I left this comment on your CSL page, but I thought I'd post it here as well just in case!

Thank you so much for the comment on my latest blog/rant posting! I really appreciate your support <3

I just visited your blog ("100 Days In Bed") again, and might I just say that...I think you just saved my life. Literally. No Joke.

Your latest posting about running behind cars, gaining weight, being weak and being's like you are in my head. And I bow down and thank you gracefully for being there, because it makes me feel not so alone in all the craziness that is gaining weight and feeling like it will be there forever and ever and ever....

"But there's another thing I believe and that is, that it makes you super strong to turn what seems like an impossible situation (a big weight gain and a butt made from donuts and margaritas) - a situation that would be so much easier to stay in, to wallow in and to make worse (pound by pound) - it makes you super strong if you try and change that situation."

Okay, this part is amazing. Truly, truly amazing. And YOU are amazing for sharing your thoughts!! I'm speechless, inspired, and kind of crushing on your wonderful self! If I could buy you a coffee and chat about how we can kick depressions a** together right now, I totally would!

Consider me one very loyal follower and fellow bed-dweller (for the time being).

Thank you for everything...I'm off to rummage through your blog archive to see what other sparkling gems I can find!!

Sending all my love and extra sparkling .:*PiXie DuST*:.

Jennifer said...

I continue to love and be inspired by your blog. You're awesome.

Anonymous said...

i don't hide behind cars, but i do avoid events sometimes or catching up with old friends. i tell myself, "it'll be great to see them in a few months when i get skinnier". but i'm so tired of hiding! i feel like i'm on a roll now, but i'm not going to hide while i'm on the journey. i do still get excited about the idea of seeing people when i'm 20 pounds lighter though.

Krista Lou Cook said...

Ok so I have not hidden behind a car (I do own JEEP I'll keep that one in mind), but i have darted into a store or ran the opposite way, or just not gone anywhere I might see anyone I know.

Deenie said...

Hilarious and congrats on the weight loss. I'm crazy about your blog and just sent it to all my friends.

GoGo said...

I have ducked behind so many things it's embarrassing to admit! But your blog posts always make me feel less alone. I loved the idea for the t-shirt too - mine would say, "This shit is temporary." Hugs.

Charmaine said...

I have ducked behind cars, made screeching U-turns in the middle of intersections leaving skid marks worthy of a crime scene investigation.

My flat unappealing butt and scrawny arms that similarly jiggle are sufficiently unappealing to make me hide from those who once knew my former voluptuous self.

I look at women with large butts, large anything and I wonder with envy, why can't by body do that?

If there was a pill to make my butt or legs bigger I would take it. Even if I knew it would harm my liver or make my hair fall out... I would take it.

This is perspective. We feel our appearance is not correct. We are all wrong.