Saturday, May 29, 2010

All You Need Is Love (and Sex and Cheetos), But Right Now, Mostly, Love

You guys cannot believe how it makes a girl feel to throw up a blog post after a year plus of not blogging and get hundreds of views, so many amazing comments and emails.

I feel like I stepped on a scale and lost ten pounds and you know how frickin' excited that gets me! I have so much to tell you guys, that I'm not just overwhelmed by all the love but all I have to fill you in on.

Today, I'm going to make it simple. I just want to talk about the intention of this blog and what got me back to blogging again. Um... my life sucks. In a way I thought it would never suck again after sucking so bad a few years ago.

It I might have let it continue to suck because in this case it was sucking to a less degree than last time that I did not realize the accumulative suckiness until I took stock in my life.

It was 4 weeks ago when my Mom told me my cousin had brain cancer. One week later, she was in the hospital and really sick herself.

I could add to that that I am currently jobless, boyfriendless, a bit of fat-ass-ness but that all seems to pale in comparison to these new set of circumstances.

When my Mom told me about my cousin, I started crying. That heaving crying that is really ugly, that starts with tears streaming and pretty soon you are making noises that most resemble a braying donkey but you are so lost in the words that you just heard that you have no room for self-consciousness or even sense to protect the person that is watching you be consumed with sadness.

I would like to say that I thought about my cousin, would he live or die? How was the surgery? When will we know the pathology?

But instead, I cried out, "I don't want to live in L.A. anymore."

If you think that is selfish, don't worry, being Catholic meant that I relentlessly flagrated myself for having such "all about me thoughts."

But later, when I really thought about it, say sitting on the floor of my Mother's hospital room floor for days on end, I realized there was some deeper meaning to my outburst.

What I really meant was, "I don't want to live this way anymore." Maybe there's a way you don't want to live - in a relationship that no longer makes you happy, in a job that doesn't appreciate you, scared about finances, upset that life doesn't seem to be as sparkly and fun anymore.

Because I am always looking in, hashing and rehashing, what was said, what does it mean, like I am some kind of CSI investigator of my own words and thoughts and intentions, I dissected it even more. I knew, had I been told, as my cousin had, "You have a brain tumor the size of an apple in your head and you could die" (which is probably not what the doctor said or he has a really bad bedside manner that he needs to work on, but that is kind if the gist)...

If I had been told - I would be very unhappy with what I had done with my life so far.

And let me tell you, that a realization like that, is a kick in the balls, even though I have no balls, but I have had many boyfriends that have balls say there is no feeling like it and that's what I had - a feeling that hurt so bad it could not be ignored.

It's like - you find out your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife is cheating with your best friend and NOW here is the kicker - YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT and that "doing something about it," is going to CHANGE YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

Like for me, I will either ignore this new found information and change my life because I can or I will bury my head in the sand and just move forward and hate myself, years down the line, because when I was young and able I could have changed my life but didn't and now there is this girl that comes from hospice care to feed me through a tube and during the commercials for my favorite soap opera, I think back to how with just a few FEARLESS changes, my life could have been AWESOME.

You feel me? So what I am saying is: I gotta fix my life. And the last time I needed to fix my life, doing those adventures once a week - whether it was pool crashing a five star hotel or indoor sky diving made me feel so SUPER STRONG that I could take on ANYTHING IN LIFE.

And I did and life was awesome. And that's what I want back. But not just for me but for anyone feeling this way.

In fact, I'd love to hear some ideas, for you and for me! They don't have to be huge. Just something that, if you did it, when you lay your head on the bed that night you might feel giggly and proud of yourself. So far mine are: get in the car and start driving until you can't drive anymore and then stay the night in that town, get pink hair (haven't pulled that one yet), redecorate your apartment in one day (this is something I have been dithering about on for years and BAM! I'm going to do it like I'm on some HGTV show), jump out of an air plane, go water skiing, over come fear of water before jet skiing...

Got some more adventures for me???? Write them in the comments section and I will add them to the bowl!


Mari said...

I am so happy to have you back!

I would love to go to penn station, and just hop on a train and go to Boston! Even if just for the day...I just want to meet some cute boys with yummy "Bawston" accents lol

Babbalou said...

I'm glad you're back! I'm in a somewhat similar situation - unemployed and without employment prospects (because I haven't been looking for a job since I can't think of anything I could do that doesn't suck big time, despite my multiple degrees). Fortunately I'm married so I'm not on the street but I'm floundering badly and getting a bit depressed. Just last Thursday (before I got your email) a light bulb went on and I came up with a multi-faceted plan. Among other things I've decided to finish a book I started last November (for NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month) while also working on starting a business that involves research and writing. Even if the book ends up being a piece of crap, when people ask me what I've been doing I can hold my head up and say, "Well, among other things I've written a book" - which sounds better than the "ummm..." which I've been saying when asked what I do. So I'm going to write a book, take a class in novel writing or join a writing group, build a web site for my get the idea. No more floundering. I'm back as well!

Pamela said...

I looooooooooooooooove your blog and I am pinching myself that you are back.

debbiedoesraw aka grass fed momma said...

Hey cuteness,
which btw is much nicer than "fat assed ness" :)
why not just blow this popsicle stand? Head for an unknown place, somewhere you know no one.. and try it on for size?
Me, I love Taos NM. and I love London England.
and mostly I love wherever I am right now.

adventure grrl said...

Mari - you must!!! That's where all the cute boys are! Go to a bar by Fenway before a Sox game or a concert and all your man dreams will come true. :)

Babbalou - how inspiring - you rock, girl :)

Pamela ;) Thanks!

Debbie - I'm thinking Brooklyn. I'm hoping the more I do these adventures and find my strength, the closer I will get to the decision to move.

Anonymous said...

As soon as life calmsthefuckdown I might plan for an adventure. We (D. and I) were planning a vacation, but when his car went caput our funds went to replacing it instead.

I'm in Long Island next weekend to see friends - and I think that's our game plan. Travel around the country visiting friends we've missed!

MarleyMom said...

I am so excited you are back. I would love a weekend getaway but with three kids a loooong day at the spa would do - is that not much of an adventure? Okay, I have always wanted to go ziplining! That looks so fun.

Keep writing you have been missed.

MarleyMom said...

I am so excited you are back. I would love a weekend getaway but with three kids a loooong day at the spa would do - is that not much of an adventure? Okay, I have always wanted to go ziplining! That looks so fun.

Keep writing you have been missed.

Nikki said...

I'm with you, I'm so with you. I went through that realization over a year ago & have since started to change my life. I went to Australia alone & while I was there, I stayed an extra two months. I'm moving to be nearer to my family, and I'm doing the things that scare me - I'm going for it. If you stay, yeah, it's safe, but you can only expect the same old shit. If you go, it's all new and that's terrifying, but at the same time, ANYTHING can happen, and that's exciting. :)

SSP said...

after september 11th I used to bawl all the time (I lived in NYC so it was perfectly acceptable to sit on the train and cry your eyes out at the time). My mom screamed at me one time in February, "are you STILL gonna be crying on the phone to me when you are almost 50 about how much you want to leave NYC??" tough love mama....3 months later I moved to tucson....and after being a gypsy vagabond my whole life, I have finally planted some roots...I got 5 plants house, no pet, no spouse, but i have plants!!

SSP said...

oh AND I am going camping at the grand canyon next week.....I do it every year if I is a grand calming experience!!! i highly recommend getting away from television, telephones, refrigerators and air conditioning at least once a year!!

MyPetPig643 said...

I am so glad you are back, I must have checked a thousand times. I'm going to go back and read from the beginning!

fd said...

it is testament to the BLEURGHS in my mind that I can't think of anything truly inspired.
-maybe selling off loads of clothes and books that are hanging around because you're just used to having them there at a yard sale or equivalent (would also help with your move)?
-karaoke. lots of it.
-getting a t-shirt printed with a deeply personal and deeply silly motivating statement on it. then wear it all over the place.
-talking to people: have a proper chat with every person who serves you or you meet. not a long chat. but long enough for a human connection to have been made.
-i've never talked with helium (from balloons), too terrified. that would be fun. overcoming weird childhood fear.

I am definetly test-running your wedding cake sampling with fake bride idea, as a treat to a friend. WOOHOO. Any tips on pulling this one off succesfully?

adventure grrl said...

FD - those are all great - good for you!!! Adventures aren't just jumping out of airplanes, they are the little joyful things that we seem to keep putting aside because we are so busy in life. As far as how to pose as a bride, it's so easy! Know a few of the little details (date, place, etc.) and then just act very rushed and overwhelmed! You will be eating free cake in no time :)

Anonymous said...

Balloon ride. Water slides. Surf lessons, giant ferris wheels. Pottery class. Belly dancing.

I am so exCITED that you are back. I have missed your blog so much.

Donna said...

Just found you on my friend's twitter - this sounds amazing, need a bit of sparkle in my life too. Lead the way, please!

A Living Diary said...

I've been thinking about making a difference in someone's life. I want to volunteer somewhere to help! Children's cancer unit, burn unit or a disablilty center.Still looking for the right one.

Also, I want to go white water rafting and climb a rock wall. It's been on my list to do but I haven't gotten around to it.

I've discovered that moving doesn't help you escape yourself. You can't run from who you are. You need to first learn to love yourself the way you are right now and then figure out how to grow or change.

BrandiJo said...

For me - I'm building a house and having a baby...all at the same time. That's enough adventure for this one!

But for of the funniest things I ever did was to rent a moped and drive it around for the day... It may not matter in LA - but in Nebaska, you get some looks. :) Move over John Deere! Vespa is coming up behind you!

Jack's Mom said...

Laughing with my morning coffee - so glad I found your blog!

Leta said...

This is so great -- I think I have to think mine over. Swim with dolphins, go on a road trip, go to an exotic island and camp on the beach.

You're so inspiring.

Tw!nkleTw!nkle said...

Try roller derby :D Just for a day or 2