Sunday, July 18, 2010

Untitled Part 1
(Being fully aware that "Untitled" is the most pretentious title in the history of man)

Before we get to this, let's put out what we've all been thinking... there are some God damn Adventure Bowl posts missing. Let's review. Two weeks ago, I pulled "Go to Beer Making Class" which was f'ing awesome. Beer! You can make your own! In a bucket! Your neighbors will love you! And this week... drum roll: "Get A Nose Ring." (A cute, sexy one, not one you can be pulled around by, please.) Yeah, who snuck that in? Who snuck that in three days before I go home? I have never NEVER welched on an adventure. But guys... my mother will stroke out. There's a big family party. She will lose her shit.

Which is probably why I should do it.

Shizzzz. I don't know. I WOULD LIKE A VOTE IN THE COMMENTS SECTION: Do I do it or not? Weighing - do I honor the promise to myself and you guys or consider that my Mom will lose her innards at a family party? You decide.

Alright, stay tuned for that. But in the meantime, I wrote this. It's a two parter, but I know you can handle it. You're strong like that.

I was going for a run the other day and it was hot as balls outside so I grab for a visor and go to put it on and then, there I see: it's splattered in blood.

And I kind of gasp and have this sickening memory all at the same time. That was the visor I was wearing the day I fell down a 70 foot hill in my neighborhood. A retaining wall broke my fall when I smashed my head against it and knocked me unconscious and I was lucky enough that a woman walking her baby found me. She called 911. She gave them the wrong address. She told them she thought I was dead. She told me when she saw me, a week later, still in a hospital gown, my head partly shaved (not that you could tell, I have so much god damn hair), staples in skull, arm in a giant brace, that she thought I was dead.

I started shaking. I realized that she was just as traumatized by what she saw, as I was about what happened. She didn't know that she should probably NOT tell me that. I think when you're in that kind of shock, words don't go through the brain, they just come out.

So there was the visor. The visor was in a clear plastic bag that the firemen had turned into the hospital, along with the fire chief's business card. The hospital gave it to me when I left. Technically, not when I left. I snuck out of the hospital in my gown and took my own clear plastic bag, but that is another story.

I had put the plastic bag beside my bed. I don't know why. I don't know why I didn't throw it out or treat the visor with some "Spray & Wash" and put it in the damn washer and dryer instead of keeping it like some kind of police evidence bag right beside my bed.

Then I piled it high with magazines. So I wouldn't have to look at it. I had taken the fire chief's business card out and called and asked what kind of cup cakes they wanted, the firemen. You know, for saving my life and everything. Turns out, they like every kind. I thought bringing them over would bring some kind of closure or goodness or something but instead I just started getting that feeling where I am definitely, definitely going to cry and I can't have anyone see that so I just ran in and dropped them off.

By the door.

My theory is the pug pulled that visor out of that clear plastic bag. Her name is Ruby, I adopted her just before I fell. Because of all the time I spent in bed after the accident and then after the surgery, we are stupidly bonded. If I'm in the shower, she is on the shower mat. If I am making breakfast, she is on half on my feet, half on the kitchen floor. I notice, if I am gone, when I come back, a shirt of mine will be pulled out for her to lay on, a pile of socks are in her bed.

A visor.

And weirdly, because I bought three like it, it didn't strike me as odd to find it on the floor of the bedroom and put it by the door so I could easily grab it.

Until I did and until I saw all that blood and then I can see them cutting me out of my shirt and a team of eight ER docs and nurses around me and I AM SCREAMING this completely, not only unconscious scream, but this noise I didn't even know that I could make. Have you ever dislocated your shoulder? Don't. Don't ever do that. It hurts, especially if, when they are putting it back in, they are manipulating a bone that you have also broken.

I can't remember any of the doctors there. I know one said to me, "I can give you a shot for the pain before we pop your shoulder in but it's going to take a couple of minutes for it to kick in--" "No! Just, do it, just do it now!" I couldn't last, not another three seconds. There were so many people around me. Just like on TV. And then it was back in.

I can remember that I felt instant relief even as I was in an excruciating about of pain. I still had broken bones no one knew I had, was bleeding from the elbow and head (they could not tell because of said, massive amounts of wavy hair).

But I'm getting off track. Yes, I do want to tell you what a bad ass I am for getting staples in my head without anesthesia, but really, getting off track. Or how I had to ask for my own head CT because the doctors didn't know I had hit my head. The firemen found me unconscious... Is that not in some kind of report or something?

But I'm getting off track.

The point is, I'm only at a level of honesty of about 9. I don't talk about that accident. Or here when I am talking about it, I can talk about the facts. I can lay them out all neat and orderly. I would make an excellent witness. But emotionally, I can not really go there. Honesty, 9.

I don't know. It might be a 6.

If you are a private (secretive) person, time is on your side. People will forget to ask you about things that are painful. Better yet, you will learn how to tell the funniest, most succinct story of said accident. You will boil it down to the highlights where everything you say will get a laugh and you can walk away with no one being the wiser. (And you will feel a little superior, just a little smug, as you get away with it, yet again.)

The accident has lead to the deepest of deep soul searching. Currently, I am in a chess game with myself - two opposite sides of me vying to make the winning move of my life. This is all relevant to the fact that, I'm going back home this week.

I will post the rest of the story on Tuesday... it's getting not only long... but so off track.

Yes, I go home on Tuesday night, back East, with a lot churning around in this brain here. My last trip, just months ago, the new information of my cousin's cancer, had me running to Brooklyn to put money down on an apartment, so determined with new revelations about life, and how I was so dissatisfied with how I was living it, that I was ready to ship all my things from Los Angeles to New York if I could.

Some deeper breathing, and a soul slap from my sister about what a "God damn idiot" I was being to try and make all these decisions in a really emotional moment, pushed me to reboot this blog in hopes that if I force myself to write, and I force myself out of my comfort zone (adventures) then I will put myself in the strongest, most clear headed place for decision making.

I guess I'm just turning a lot over. Going back East puts me square back to face all the feelings I had when I found out that my cousin has cancer two months ago. But also, finding that visor just kind of shook me up... another reminder about how fragile life is. Something... that to make the decisions, I need to make, I need in the forefront of my mind, yet the memories are all twisted up and painful.

Oh God Lord, I can barely even stand to be thinking this heavy. Okay, let's all remember on the upside, going back home - nephews will be hugged and tickled and kissed; clam bakes will be had, Wing Night - where inexplicably every cousin of mine down by the beach all show up to the same bar - will be happening. Drinks on the deck, determination to pool crash the snobby beach club's pool down the street - that is all happening. Super soakers will be filled with water, water balloons will be launched, telling politically incorrect bedtime stories to my nephews as my sister laughs but shoots me a look that says, "Please, don't do that" - that will be happening. Brooklyn, bands, high school friends, all of it, jam crammed into a very short amount of time.

But also, this turning over of my future... I'll be thinking of that too.

***
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21 comments:

Sara said...

I vote NO. Don't do it. It will not just cause your mother grief, but you as well, in having to deal with her. Plus, you should give yourself time to adjust to it as well. I'd say just put it off so you don't have to stress about it.

P.S. I want a pug to cuddle in bed with too.

Anonymous said...

NO! They are so ugly, and faddish. Love your nose, just the way it is.

Tiffany said...

YES!! If YOU want it, you should totally GO FOR IT!!
(or if you are really really worried about what she would think then get a belly ring instead, one that is more hidden~).

anji said...

Flashbacks. I had my first one post-accident about 3 months after it happened. I was on the highway and saw that a van crashed into a guard-rail and saw the damage at the front... instant headache that was searing, exactly how it felt when I had the accident... lasted about five minutes.

It sucks... I also have the shirt and the sweater I had JUST fit into after five years of being too fat. I begged them not to cut it, I had just been able to wear them for the first time. They complied... but I still have them.

At some point, you and I both gotta work out these things....

I'm in denial of it for a few months more, until I get through basic training. I'm afraid if I deal with it before I go... well, I won't end up going.

Wait for the nose-ring 'till you get back. I put one in two weeks ago, it got infected. Hurt. But - wait until you have time to deal with it, in case something happens.

Plus, it should bring you joy and not guilt. Put it off until you get back home so you can enjoy ever moment of it... one day, I'll get mine put back in :)

Daisy said...

You're blog is so awesome. I love when it pops up in my reader. I hope I get to meet you some day, you really inspire me.

misssarahlou said...

I vote YES! Maybe just get a tiny stud to begin with so that you get time to get used to it, I remember when I was in school a friend got it done and her mother didnt notice it for weeks, hehe!

Also, love that you have a pug too. My Daisy is just adorable, love how much she clings to me, lol.

Just wanted to let you know that I have nominated you for a blog award. Check out my blog for the deets! http://misssarahlou.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-won-award-o.html

A Living Diary said...

Sometimes you have to do things because you want to make yourself happy so if this is something you have always wanted to do and your heart is set on it then your mother needs to except you for who you are.

However if this is something you are doing just because you grabbed it out of a bowl and want to add to you adventure list I would have to Vote No. It's not worth the pain you will cause yourself or your family.

Be true to yourself!

Anonymous said...

I would say wait until you get back to LA. If you're doing this for you then you want to have fun with it and not be stressed about what your Mom thinks. I think there's probably the fun of the rebellion of it but the headache from your Mom might take away from it.

Lisa

Quinn said...

I say...do what you want. Do you really want a nose ring? if yes...then do it, your mom will get over it!
Love this blog...it's so real!

Chrissy said...

The fact that you are undecided leads me to believe that you already know the answer to this question.

Michelle/MouseDemon said...

There is another way of looking at getting your nose pierced. It might detract The Mothership from commenting/criticising on any other aspect of your life that she doesn't approve of. And at the end of the day, how much grief can a little nosestud get? (I get the impression that she tends to disapprove WHATEVER you do, so if it isn't a pierced nose, it will be something else.)

You are a big grownup now, so if you wanted to, you could have something very obnoxious tattooed to your forehead, and she could do nothing about it. (I wouldn't recommend it though really!)

I am going to get my nosestud redone. (It healed up when I was preggers with my daughter and I couldn't be hassled with it). You can get tiny little pretty ones that are barely noticable, or you can go for a great big metal carbunkle on the end of your nose.

(And on the Pink Hair front, I now have dyed my hair It is purpleyred and blonde with a Cruella DeVil vibe going on. I will get photos up asap!)

Alea said...

first of all, your terrific blog is the highlight of my day. i always look forward to hearing about your thoughts on life :)

Second, nose piercings heal, right? so if it causes you grief, you take it out, and its gone. no biggie. get it done.
:)

last, i don't know if this is appropriate for me to say this (appologies in advance!), but, i would love to hear about the good things about both of your cousins that you remember and cherish.

we hear about your sense of loss, and as one human to the next, i totally get that. but i would love, love to know about the beauty you hold to you, of the peaople you love.

that might have been super inappropriate of me to say, so sorry. maybe because as my process dealing with loss i tend to tell people about the good memories i hold of someone that is gone, because it brings them back to me.

so- again, if that was susper inappropriate of me, just ignore, delete, etc.

i'm looking forward to your awesome classy nosering. :D

Bitten Usagi said...

If you're planning on a tiny stud I say do it. My mom freaked when I told her I was doing it. Then it was halfway through the day the next time I saw her before she actually remembered to look for it!! I've had it for years now and I get "whoa when did you get your nose pierced" all the time from people who I didn't even meet until AFTER I had it pierced. So yeah. I say go for it. (I do vote you get one without the curly cue if possible. I cut mine off and it's saved my nose SO many times!)

Yogalena said...

I vote "pause." Don't do it before your trip. Go on the trip and decide upon your return. If it's really in YOUR heart to get the nose ring, go for it. If it was just a bad pull you now feel obligated to do for someone else - don't do it.

Kristin said...

Totally pierce your nose. It's your body, your life and nobody else's. Your mom will love you anyway. If mine can still love me with a shaved head, tribal tattoos and facial piercings, anything is possible.

Liz said...

Remember, the adventures are supposed to be about you and your growth so it seems doing this and then stressing about it is ultimately going to hurt the experience, then I would wait. And also, I love your blog!

Lizzie

Freestyle Mom said...

"Don't hold back" (picture me standing here holing an awesome hand-made banner courtesy of yours truly) xoxoxoxoxoxo I LOOOOVE YOOUUU!!!!

Jules said...

It makes sense to me that you are thinking a lot about your future and how you want to live it after an accident like that. But your sister is right, you not be making any big rash decisions - and you shouldn't think you have it all figured out by this trip either. Just have fun. Keep the adventures up, you'll figure it out.

Leta said...

love, love, love, love, love, love. as you said, or Churchill said (LOL) "the only way out, is through."

Elizabeth Kaylene (elizawhat.com) said...

I vote do it if you really want it, but I agree with others who have said that since you're doubting it, you probably already know what you want to do.

I really want my nose pierced, too, but tattoos always come up at the top of my body mod priority list. :D

Quix said...

I vote if you want it, wait til you get back so it can heal up and you can take it out for the next visit. When I was 20 years old, I got my tongue pierced. A few days later, I was getting some prestigious honors award in college and my parents were there and they were all proud and I was talking to them after and still not quite speaking right, and my mom asked me what was wrong and I stuck my tongue out and she ran away screaming and crying.

You think the whole "honors thing" would have canceled it out but nope, the little metal bar through my tongue was more traumatizing to her than she was proud of my academic accomplishments.

So yeah. I realize that there are some things that I am just probably not going to do because my parents would go apeshit. There are plenty of other adventurous things I can do.

As for the flashbacks - no words. Just thanks for sharing your story. Even if it is at a 9 (6, whatever).