Thursday, July 1, 2010

You are not ALONE



This is a reprint of an older Post. I was recently asked what was my favorite post and it was this one. I think because I started getting honest (with you and with me) about body & weight issues. But also because the comments were incredible - it reassured me, I was not alone.

Because my self-esteem is completely tied to the number of hits a day I get, I, sometimes, (many times) go to Sitemeter and check on who's looking and for how long. Sometimes, the thing that will crack me up is someone googling "Dirty, Naughty Girls" and then they find my blog.

CREEPY.

Today, I noticed a girl had googled a topic that lead her to this blog and I looked closer to see what the topic was and...

IT BROKE MY HEART.

Because she googled, "I AM TOO FAT, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME." (Which led her to my entry, "Oh, My God, You're So Fat! Congratulations") I wanted to jump through the computer and fly through the internet and land in her bedroom, living room, library, coffee shop, dorm room, where ever and GIVE HER A BIG FAT HUG.

Then we would sit down and have a CUP CAKE (Red Velvet) and I would say, "You are not alone."

I have felt that way at this weight. I have felt that way, 20 pounds lighter than this AND I HAVE FELT THAT WAY, five years ago, AT MY HIGH SCHOOL WEIGHT, on a work retreat, wearing the cutest TANK-INI with cherry blossoms and abs and Renne Zellweger arms and still FELT THAT WAY.

I even felt that way, AT MY HIGH SCHOOL DANCE, at a perfect weight, though still wearing a girdle EVEN THOUGH I attended the dance with my sort-of-cousin AND OBVIOUSLY WAS NOT looking to get any. (Though I did feel a little heat as we uncomfortably slow danced to some Whitney Houston song.)

It makes me sad that I so COULDN'T SEE MYSELF, even at the most perfect weight, that I had to continue the FEMALE TORTURE of dieting, gaining, hating myself, RINSE, REPEAT.

So of course, I want to save someone who is going through that. DON'T BE ME. I could DIE admitting this. But remember, when my shrink told me, "YOU ARE NOT YOUR BODY?" And I was like, "Yes, I am! I am my Body. I am my Fat! Every problem I have is because of this! (Dramatically grab BACK FAT in defiance) I'm outta here!" Maybe she was right.

Maybe I HAD TO THINK, "I AM MY BODY... I AM MY WEIGHT, I DON'T DESERVE HAPPINESS UNTIL I'M THIN," MAYBE I had to think that, I had to believe it, because if I didn't and I wasn't obsessed WITH ALL THINGS DIET & WEIGHT LOSS... I would really have to LIVE.

AND THAT'S WHAT REALLY SCARES ME.

So I would say to this girl, "You Are Not Your Body" and "Don't Stop Living and Doing The Things You Love Because You Got A Little Junk In Your Trunk." Have fun, people with ample bosoms and stomachs and thighs deserve FUN. Write in your journal, stay ON TOP OF THOSE EMOTIONS. Get a Girl Gang like I have that you can talk to. GO TO THERAPY, it's AWESOME. But don't isolate, don't get under the covers, DON'T PUT off LIVING because of your WEIGHT. Because you are not your body.

You'll get there, just like me, just like all of us. Because YOU are not alone.


If you would like to repost this to your blog, please do! Just add a link to 100 Days In Bed. Feel free to Twitter or Facebook a link, I would love as many women to read this as possible. And of course, your comments, THEY ARE BETTER THAN A HOT FUDGE SUNDAE! So leave one!
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17 comments:

Chibi Jeebs said...

I love this. I love you. I need to print "YOU ARE NOT YOUR BODY" in 72-point bold font & tape it up everywhere. Awesome.

Michelle said...

I love love love this post :) I posted about this the other day and how the high school girls I work with are obsessed with pounds, and how its SO not important. I love your blog :)

AubreyMo said...

I totally might reblog this later and add a bit to it when I get home. I think self image issues are a huge problem in women.

Now I sound all speechy.

Thank you for this post. The deeper message is that you can't keep waiting for things to be "perfect" because if that's what you want, they never will be. You have to learn to be happy with who and how you are, and live in the moment.

savanord said...

I relate SO much to this it's not even funny. Even when I was 125lbs and 5'9 I was thinking "omg im so fat" and I would like to slap my teen self in the face for that. I am fighting a battle every day to reclaim my body, but I will not let my body claim my life. Its as easy as that. This is a FANTASTIC blog. I love it.
-Sarah

Samantha said...

I love this post, it's spectacular! I feel like you are talking to me... it's just with the summer and everything, I can get so in my head about my weight. Thank you so much for this post.

Michelle/MouseDemon said...

It's one of those times when you wish that you could go back in time and very lovingly give yourself a kick up the bum.

I wasn't particularly overweight when I was a teen (especially compared with now) but I was larger than my waif-like, slower to develop Frienemies. So I would always think I was fat. Now I am fat, and I think of the time I spent beating myself up about it. (Which on occasions, I still do!)

Why are we always soooooo nasty to ourselves? We would never dream of being so mean to anyone else! Especially someone we are so close to!

Sandy said...

This is the most beautiful post you have written. And I am happy to share it with my friends... maybe we can change things for younger girls...

Elsie888 said...

Wow, this post is powerful. Really making me think how I have to stop torturing myself over food - it just takes up time you could be using for something else. Thank you for this.

SaraJane said...

I have been a fan so long that I actually read this the first time. Made me cry the second time, too. Love to you, you are an amazing writer.

GoGo said...

Love love love this post. love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love

GoGo said...

Love this post love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love

BirdStreet said...

I love your writing so much. I was so glued to your posts about your cousin's death... maybe that sounded weird. It just made me cry and I hope the time that has passed has helped.

Georgia said...

I'm still pinching myself that you are up and running with the blog. It's awesome, you've changed my life in ways you can't believe. Can I email you?

Delilah said...

This post knocked me over like a ton of bricks. How I've tortured myself with weight and calories and working out. I get what you are saying -- all that time lost. And you never get it back. So after reading your post it makes me see, it has to stop right now. I can do this. Thank you for giving a big part of my life back.

Delilah said...

This post knocked me over like a ton of bricks. How I've tortured myself with weight and calories and working out. I get what you are saying -- all that time lost. And you never get it back. So after reading your post it makes me see, it has to stop right now. I can do this. Thank you for giving a big part of my life back.

GoGo said...

Wow, this post, wow. I wish I had read this when I was 12... but you know, my 28 year old self needs to read this, too. Thank you. Thank you for writing this.

Natasha said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I think I will repost this to my blog.