Wednesday, January 26, 2011

"Did You Go Back To Bed?" Um, Yeah, I Guess I Kinda Did

Wow, I have not posted in a loooooong time.  What happened there?  Okay, truth:  I have not dealt with anything except rainbows and sunshine of weather living in LA.  Coming to NY mid-October, the weather was BLISS, I literally felt HIGH by this move... like there was extra oxygen in the air.  

I walked around with the biggest, broadest smile you have EVER seen.  I wanted this move to be amazing and is was.  Then, it was just after Thanksgiving and the gloom came.  I'm on a budget so I was nervous about taking an apartment that was kind of low light.  But the point of a tiny apartment is to force you TO GET OUT OF IT, engage in the world.

But soon, with winter setting it, it was bleak in doors and bleak out doors.  My body did NOT know how to react.  I refused to go back to bed... however, I found a loop hole and would bury myself under the bed room covers on the couch, snuggled with two dogs, happy to lose the day with me.

Maybe I was wrong?  Maybe I should not have made this move.  Maybe I should have waited until spring.   Maybe, maybe, maybe...

I could see where this was going and it was NOT going to be good.  It was going to be going back to bed.  F-word.  I can't do that again.   That was horrible.  Depression, friendships hurt, work hurt, body not cute from no exercise...

So, recently, I gave myself a kick in the butt and decided to do three things that would change the sad and sorry state I was in.  #1  I started to monitor the weather for sunny days.  Even if the sun is out and it's 20 degrees, I am the HAPPIEST person in the world.  On those days, I walk in the sunshine to a cafe and work from there.  This might only be two times a week but if I know I have that to look forward to, I feel good.

#2  I forked over a little more money to my gym to take classes.  I noticed in my couch surfing state, I was going less and less.  But maybe if I was paying more, my Catholic Guilt™ would kick in and I would get my lazy butt off the couch.  That worked.  I've taken core suspension classes where we hang from the ceiling and trampoline classes where we bounce like little kids and what's that?  Oh, yeah, that's me smiling in the gym's mirror as I bounce, bounce, bounce.

Endorphins are awesome.

#3  Say yes to everything - any invitation I get, I say yes.  You should see how fast I run out of the house when my old room mate texts, "Bar?"  Not only that, I make my shy little self ASK PEOPLE to do stuff.  (And I am the Queen of Finding Cheap Stuff To Do.)  I will even run errands with people, LOL, just to get out of the apartment and have human interaction.

So I'm trying guys, I really am.  It's not easy, I'm shocked by how uneasy it is.  Oh, here's the 4th thing I do which is another reason I always ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO KEEP A JOURNAL --

I go back in my journal to read my entries from October.  I am so happy, joyous, proud of myself for this move.  The city is magical.  I love it here.  I take the time to stomp threw the leaves just to hear the "crunch, crunch."  I love how NEW everything is.  I can be a new me here and it is awesome.  

When I read that, it gives me so much hope.  "This bad time... it's only temporary."  My Mom, who has lived on the East Coast almost all her life said to me the other day, "You know, sometimes the winter's are so bad, I can never imagine that there will ever be a spring, but there always is."

Wow, okay.  That is the wisest thing I have ever heard.

Just like the dark time I had years ago, the light did come.  But, I had to take action to MAKE IT COME, just like I have to take action now.

I want to apologize for falling off the Earth.  I was dreading coming back because I was ashamed to be such a downer.  But in the comments of the last post, someone asked, "Did you go back to bed?"  Yeah, I kinda did.  But at least it didn't take me 100 days to figure it out.  (And you know that was really over 300 days but that didn't seem like a cool title...).

And maybe this will help someone who is feeling depressed right now.  

Sometimes it's so dark, you never think, the light will come.  But it will.

So, what do you do when you get down to shake yourself out of it?  Or do you have any good ideas to shake off the blues.  I'd love to hear them and I'm sure the readers would too.

Love you guys, thanks for hanging in there with me!  :)



dreamgypsie said...

I am so glad you're back! I missed you. Sorry it's be a rough winter. I think it's a blessing in disguise. It has shown you how strong you truly are and that you can handle anything. Life isn't always sunshine and puppy love, if it were it would get boring pretty quick. Moments like this help make the happy ones even better. One day the happy ones will far outweigh the sad ones. Won't that be something.

adventure grrl said...

Thanks, dreamgypsie, this part of your comment is especially making my day, "I think it's a blessing in disguise. It has shown you how strong you truly are and that you can handle anything."

Thank is so kind, thank you, Love Kayla

Anna said...

I think we've been experiencing the same thing, kind of, as I dropped off the planet for a while while in a giant black hole.

Glad to see you're coming back up and enjoying the sun. Every time I step in the sun, I always close my eyes and look up - soak it up even if for just a millisecond.

Quix said...

Early January was really, really depressing here too - coming off the high of an awesome holiday break, bleak rainy cold weather, busy days at work, ugh. I found the same thing - if it was sunny, I just HAD to somehow make time to be outside and enjoy it. It'll be spring soon again!

TK Kerouac said...

Sorry, I wasn't trying to be rude about going back to bed.

Truth of the matter is, going back to bed just feels so good this time of year. In fact, most people do suffer from some degree of SAD in the dark winter months.

I fight it by going to bed earlier, trying to get out to walk on a daily basis with camera,hitting the gym,trying to connect with girlfriends once a week,trying not to eat junk foods,

There are days though, where I get out of bed and after eating, get right back under those toasty covers and try to go back into dreamland, luxuriously sleeping away the time.
It would be easy to turn it into a bad habit.

Lynda with a Y said...

Winters are tough, especially in the East Coast. I think the "fake it till you make it" attitude helps. As does music, fireplaces, wine, writing, and fuzzy slippers. It's Ok to nest, to downshift this time of year. Just pick up the phone or the pen (blog) every now and then. I'm so glad you are back.

Tiffany said...

I am glad you are back with us! :)
Winters are so hard for me too~ Especially the last two. I have been surrounding myself with friends and family! When the sun shines, I put on my running shoes and take in the fresh air and sun~
I journal a lot and go to the boxing gym as much as possible! I found I love to hit stuff! :)
Spring is just around the corner! We can make it!

adventure grrl said...

Anna, that's EXACTLY what I do when I see the sun :) I want to hug it! Quix, thanks for making me feel less alone... I so appreciate that. TK, my girl :) I didn't think you were rude at all! I thought it was a sweet comment THAT also happened to be true. It was a nudge to make me see, yup, that happened! I love that you comment here and I LOVE that comment :) I love the way you fight it... hadn't thought about taking my camera out but now I will. Lynda, thax... all great suggestions and I love "Fake it til you make it." I'm gonna start putting on a dab of perfume and lipgloss - like it's spring. Tiffany - I might need to hit something too! I love this part of your comment, "Spring is just around the corner! We can make it!" Yay! Going to write that down in big letters and put it on my desk! Love you all. xo Kayla

SSP said...

i was walking thru times square at 1am wed night ( i worked late) and the snow was piling up, and it was so gorgeous, and I realized how HAPPY i was I didn't have to dig a car out. i had warm boots and gloves and a heavy coat so the cold didn't bother was awesome...hope you got out in it to play a bit!!

Karen said...

Was thinking of other ways to stay connected & motivated to keep moving during the winter blahs. Have you noticed anyone in your building that might just need a little extra help? Maybe an elderly person, or someone with a new baby at home, or a broken arm/leg, or just someone that could use a smile? Your offer of help or delivery of a plate of cookies or picking up a few groceries for them might really make the difference in their lives :)
Plus, it would be a great way to meet some neighbors, which is not always easy in a big city.

adventure grrl said...

SSP, I love that idea. Today is very cold but a really nice sun shiny day so I will be heading out for a little play! And when it snows again tonight, I am going to smile and then catch some on my tongue like I did when I was a kid!

Karen, great idea! I think helping other people always gets you out of your head and makes you remember how good you have it. I will nose around and find someone in need. Thanks for the awesome suggestion.

A Living Diary said...

I'm glad to see you back and glad you didn't slide back into bed.

I don't know where you are in NY but I'm guessing you need some nature to bring you out of your blues. NY is a wonderful city and full of this unexplainable energy but its a concrete jungle and our bodies need nature to heal.

So go find a nice quiet green wooded placed to walk or sit for a while and I promise your spirts will be lifted:)

adventure grrl said...

A Living Diary, That is really great advice. One day when it was 40 degrees and Sunny, I took the train to Central Park and then wandered it for hours. It was post-storm so kids were ice skating, sledding (there are some great hills there!) and grown-ups were x-country skiing.

It was nice to see no buildings, only nature, smiles and giggles. I will be doing that more thanks to your beautiful reminder!

msgracewales said...

Pat on the back for getting up and braving the winter. We have some hard winters here in Wales but you know yesterday was Gŵyl Fair y Canhwyllau marking the beginning of spring! So in lots of ways we have done it, made it through winter, the bulbs are coming up and spring is close. Hugs and best wishes, Grace xx

lsaspacey said...

Hurrah for you! It's difficult (I have SAD too) but you worked through it and should be proud. Keep up the blogging, it's so good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Mo Diva said...

sometimes (especially when the sun goes down at 4:30 pm) in NY i get a little down. and when its gloomy outside I would love nothing more than to sit in my yoga pants (even though I dont do yoga) put on a Top Chef marathon and make marshmallows and only go outside to walk my dog... but i take a shower, put on clothes to go out, and do my hair and make up. Nothing crazy just so i dont look like death, ya know? And soemtimes i go for a walk (to the grocery store or even the CVS a few blocks away) just to get out. And other times i sit on the sofa and order a movie. But the important thing is, i feel good about myself... (but of course i just wasted a days makeup). My goal for 2011 is to keep the glass half full vs half empty.