I'm here. I'm back. I'm in Los Angeles. My everything is every where.
I arrived home last night, ragged, after Ruby, my pug... well, peed all over herself in her dog bag on the plane, and me, feeling like a rotten mother for having stuffed her in said dog bag, which is a wholly unnatural state, pulled her soaking wet self out and let her sit on my lap.
For two hours.
So I came home, 11pm, reeking of urine but feeling actually, quite victorious as, again, having dog mother guilt and not wanting to make my other dog fly in cargo, I snuck him on the plane. And got away with it. Like a lunatic.
I mean, I had my sister drive me an hour and a half to the airport so I could fly direct but I still had no idea if I was ever, ever going to get away with sneaking my little 11 pound fluff ball on the plane.
Only I did. It's a really long story why it came down to that - a huge terrible mix up that the only way little fluff ball was going to fly is if I stuck him in a cage and he connected through 2 hubs over a period of 12 hours. Sorry, not going to happen. I was willing to risk getting caught and be booted off the plane for this.
I was prepared with lies.
Why would I not put my 2nd carry-on bag in the overhead bin? I couldn't say, "Because it contains a second dog." I'd get booted. Off the plane. So I figured I say...
"It contains my mother's ashes. I need them... on my lap."
OMG. I am ready for someone to do some deep psychoanalysis on that.
I didn't care. It was my sweet innocent dog and I felt bad enough for dragging him on a 6 hour flight - I wasn't about to put him on a 12 hour one.
But it worked out. He's fine, I'm fine, the pug is fine. The urine soaked pants, they will be fine.
My everything is every where.
Seriously, boxes, in my apartment, every where. Some of the girl, who sublet here, her stuff, every where. Weird things are missing, things that are needed can't be found, (towels? pots? pans? where are the cereal bowls? ugh.)
Whatever. She left a half a box of tampons and since my car won't start because it hasn't been drive in 9 months, I find myself eternally grateful to her even if she did hijack my favorite Isaac Mizrahi for Target cereal bowls. (She did leave a bag of marshmallows, which ya know, with the period and all, was kind of nice.)
I need to laugh or I will cry. The thing is, I don't know where I belong. And I hate that. I want answers! I know they are within me or is that just blah blah bad movie writing. What if they aren't in me? What if I just don't know? I know what I want for a career but I do question if it comes at a price of not being happy where I live.
My sister said to me, "Leap and the net will come." Will it? And where am I leaping? I don't even know.
I know some decisions have to be made. But I knew today was not the day to make them. My body is on another time zone. We were all up at 5:00am feeling hung over tired and exhausted.
I stole a banana from the 7-11 because I was frustrated that the line was moving too slow so obviously, I should not be making really important decisions today.
I STOLE A BANANA.
I mean, I'm ready to go to jail for shop lifting a $.69 cent banana so obviously I have hit my lunatic wall and need to clam down and reassess some things before any big decisions are made.
So I stared at the ceiling fan for a long ass time today. My eyes started to well-up and I thought, "I feel as lost as after David died." It wasn't even David dying. Not that alone. It was losing my job and my boyfriend and my Mom getting sick and having to go back home, all in such a short amount of time.
I felt lost.
I feel lost.
I'm armed with the tools now, though. I can journal and I can f'ing go to therapy and I can even get on some good drugs, I can do my adventures but the fact is -- and I'm just going to be honest -- and I am willing to look like a total bitch or even worse, a big fat baby -- but the fact is --
I DON'T WANT TO.
I don't want to.
I don't want to work hard on myself or figure things out or talk to anybody about this or delve into things or feel things or anything.
And that's what freaks me out. Because I do know NOTHING will change if I do nothing.
F-word. (I say F-word to be considerate of those who might not want me to use the F-word, just know, I am feeling the F-word in its entirety and not just its abbreviated polite spelling).
Fuck.
Anyway. That is all I have for you. OH, THERE WILL BE MORE. If you're new and it seems like there are so many more of you, who are, it'll be like starting over with me at the beginning.
F-word.
Here we go again... I guess...
(PS, I set up the alerts so I will be emailed if you comment. Please know, I always, always read your comments and now with the alerts, I'll be able to respond faster. Thank you so much. They always do mean the world to me.)
23 comments:
I love this... that is all.
The chaos will pass. It won't seem like that now but it will. I would have done the same thing with the dog.
what Jackie said!
I loved this post. I have been "there" before. I stole a fake $1.00 diamond/crystal necklace from a flea market shop many moons ago... because life was sucking horribly. I felt so stupid... why the hell did I do that???? It wasn't worth it at all... Ironically, I lost the damn thing before I ever wore it! LOL!
And, I completely understand where you are coming from. I have no clue...nor do I want to worry about or talk about it.
It's nice to know I am not the only one going through complete chaos as Cowgirl Warrior said...
And yep...don't blame ya for the poochie thing. I would never stuff my cats into boxes and trust someone else to handle them on a trip like that.
Thanks Jackie and Karen! Cowgirl Warrior, needed to hear this... need to believe it, too! Christy, still no idea why I did that but when you said, "because my life was sucking horribly" it sort of all came together... Hopefully, I will not land in jail and be able to write more!
Yep... life continues to suck horribly...but I try to laugh more than I cry... I wonder how many other crazy gals steal things when they are feeling off their rocker??? LOL! I only ever did it once...I still feel bad about it... I should hunt the old lady down who ran the place and give her a buck! :P
i hope this doesn't sound stupid, but i feel like you need at minimum some sleep, and then later and better you need to take a proper break spent with friends and people who give you a sense of belonging and community and laughter, even just for a day or two.
my sense is (from nowhere, i dont know you, please ignore me if i'm wrong) that then you'll start wanting to do what you know needs to be done. I'm not saying things will be better then but you will at least know where you are coming from.
Sarah, you are absolutely right. I'm not making any decisions now. I'll take this advice and hope things look clearer with some rest, time and reflection.
I think sometimes we find ourselves in the same place more than once in our lives. I feel happy for you because, like you said, you do have the tools and more awareness to help you through this rough patch. I just want you to know I love your blog, I'm glad you're writing more and I'm really rooting for you.
Don't be too hard on yourself, you have been through alot and it takes time. I have been there and it will get better, just breathe......
I think with the economy the way it is all the uncertainty in the world, a lot of people feel lost too. That's why I gravitate to your writing, it always resonates with me and seems to be what I'm feeling too. Just wanted you to know you;'re not alone. hope that helps and thank you for your writing.
Oh, you poor thing! I walked out of a 7-11 with a soda once 'cause I was pissed off at them - I can't even remember why now. It's not just you, lol.
And you know - time zone, period ... of COURSE you don't want to work on yourself now!!! Breathe, eat marshmallows, and think about it again when you feel like it.
Keep writing, you never fail to make me laugh and cry. This post really touched me, thank you for that.
You know what you want for a career?? That's more than a lot of people, ahem, moi!
Where you live doesn't have to define your happiness. You make it what you want.
I am a new reader and love your honesty. I think you should write a note and enclose a dollar and drop it off at the store. Otherwise it will continue to bug you - karma etc. It is just better easier, and stress reducing to make it right. Takes alot of energy to not do what is right.
Every positive act you do will bring more positive energy into your life.
Blessings await!!
From what I've read so far..... you are a beautiful person.
I love how you honestly deliver your feelings. I don't think that I could ever even understand my emotions as well as you seem to.
Say, have you ever considered yoga, or something similar? Exercise is known to boost your serotonin level, in turn giving you a more balanced, happy mind (gymnastics helped me exponentially).
Yoga also improves strength and flexibility. It helps you live a bit longer, too. :)
Don't worry, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how long that tunnel may be.
I look forward to your posts.
Ha ha, I love you stole that banana. Sometimes when things are feeling out of control, I totally feel like doing something that is the opposite of me. I think it's our way of saying, F this. Anyway, I found you on BlogHer and I look forward to reading so much more.
I haven't commented on your posts in a long, long time. I'm an intermittent reader, but I started following you back when you first started your blog. I think I found you on an iVillage board.
I hope you feel better soon. I've been there, and I know it will eventually get better (even if you don't truly believe it).
Just wanted to send some hugs and love. I think it is natural that right now you don't want to do things to change your situation.
Sometimes we just want things to be ok without us having to work scarily hard to make them ok.
Is there someone who can listen or can you do nice things until you feel in a place where you want to make some changes?
You have so much love and support here and I think you deserve a break, you are going through a lot. Things do not have to be life-shattering for us to struggle with them.
Just because we have had a realisation and changed our lives doesn't mean that we might not go through the same things again. I think this kind of actions and acceptance is a practice. You come up against it again and again not that you go through it once. I wish it was once, I have said 'how can i be going through this again, I have "done" this already'. But things come up and now instead of resisting and I try to listen to what they have to say.
You have some wise comments here. Things will get easier, breathe and do something nice (novel, bath, video etc)
Sending you all love and healing best wishes,
Grace xxxx
I still think you should turn this all into a book
you have the funny knack, even in neurotic crisis after crisis.
P.S. my daughter put a shade of red lipstick on her lips at the supermarket when I was grocery shopping with her.
she then shoved it into her pocket and got busted for it
back in the office they showed the video of her taking the lipstick as she sat there with bright red lips looking like the joker.
I asked both my daughter and the cop wannabe security guards if they were all proud of themselves.
it was so ridiculously comical and sad at the same time.
I acually enjoyed reading this. I'm new to blogging. Check out my blog at http://lifeasitsgolden.blogspot.com/
Hello,
I have a question about your blog. Please email me!
Thanks,
David
I love your thought here. I just found this by an accident when I was googling how to treat a wart on my pinky toe with a banana peel. Weird thing is the Internet. Even thou this was not the topic of my search I think your styile of writing is very good. You should write a book.
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