What Do You Want From Me?

As the blog has newly been relaunched, I feel like... brand new. I never go back and look at old posts, mostly because I will feel extremely self-conscious about the things that I write. Good and Catholic, you don't rehash the grief you feel over your cousin's death. You're supposed to just let it be. Overrun you like a kind of ferocious weed until you're consumed and immobilized it.

That's the polite thing to do.

I'm tired of being polite.

But I have to ask... what do you want from me?

I'm a nice, good girl. But that hasn't served me so far. Now I want to write posts that help me take apart my grief, not just of my cousin's death and Mom's illness but all that's been lost from that. While I was busy being a puddle on the floor... so much was lost. But now, I want to lay it out, like when a mechanic is fixing a Vintage car, and examine and inspect and then fix all the things that are broken...

And then put it back together.

I think that's the only way you become free from things.

I just wonder - because I'm a self-diagnosed people pleaser - is that what you want from me? I like this being a give and take, I love your comments, I love that this blog is something you relate to and I don't want you to be disappointed when you read a post.

I notice when I write something honest, truthful, raw, people will read... one person read for 171 minutes last week... but hardly anyone will comment. No comments as others read for 5, 10, 20 minutes.

"What are they thinking? Am I too much?" I am too much for them? I am. I am made of scary little scars that are all on the inside. I should only write happy posts. Put a smile on it. Keep the uncertainty on the inside. That would be for the best.

Who am I doing this for? I thought I was doing it for me. But maybe I'm really doing it for you.

So what do you want from me?

No, really, I'll do it. But you have to tell me. Do you want to talk about figuring your life out after it's thrown you a maddeningly huge gut punch? Can I talk about my cousin's death? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Sometimes I think you guys think I have it more together than I do. It might be my fault. Sometimes, I'm very rah-rah. I need to tone that down a bit.

All of this started to gently cross my mind as I opened a Facebook and Twitter page for the blog. A lot of people started following me and I think I became shy... a little freaked out. To combat the uncomfortableness of that, I have to be witty, asurbic, sarcastic.

You wouldn't know the girl who writes on that Twitter account writes here. That girl is the me with the mask. She hides behind a wall, she dangles a sparkly ball to distract you from cousin's who are murdered and lives that are turned upside town and cousin's that have brain cancer and life choices that will break your heart and mother's that are sick and court cases and do we go for the death penalty?

Maybe going for the death penalty would be impolite.

I'm wrestling with this... I know people like me on Twitter but that girl... she's having a ball but she's not going to grow and change. She's not going to make the big decisions that I am determined to make this year - I think I want to leave Los Angeles. I think I want a new job. I know I want to live without so much fear and responsibility.

My cousin has brain cancer now.

I want to do the things he's wishing he did. And that is either the most brutally honest thing I have ever said or the most damn selfish or maybe it can be both.

Everything, all these thoughts, doubts, feelings came swirling around yesterday when I read the most beautiful essay on grief by someone who had lost his daughter.

The author spoke of how, after you lose someone unexpectedly, you become consumed with fear.

"Maybe what I’ve learned more about, for better or worse, is fear. I think I can pretty comfortably say I understand fear. I’ve learned to understand fear in and out... I live in fear. I’ve learned how randomly things can go wrong, horribly wrong, and I fear that moment, I fear that moment coming into existence. Logic be damned, it terrifies me."

I found myself nodding, yes, yes. That's how I feel. In a matter of a few paragraphs, the author had boiled down exactly how I feel... a feeling that seems to elude me as I try to turn it into words.

When I am in that uncomfortable place, I gloss it over with a lot of humor. I'm straddling both worlds.

I haven't faced the deep dark fear like the author expresses. You have to be in club to get it. You don't want to be in the club. But it's when... if terrible things happen with no warning and they are so terrible and so terrifying and so unspeakable that just NO ONE will speak of them -- how to you ever feel safe again?

How do you not just completely collapse and fold in on yourself? So nothing can touch you. Or hurt you. Yes. This is deep. Does it scare you? Will you not love me if I speak of scary things?

I can tell you this: I have lived like that and I don't WANT to anymore. But it's like, after something truly bad happens, your blood gets stamped with the "fear" DNA and it just corses through you becoming part of your whole being.

I guess what I'm saying, (Get to it, girl), is I need to talk about those fears more. I know that is everything that is holding me back in life. It's like I have the knowledge that life is short, that you better live it now because Good God, how fast it can be gone in a day.

And that is in one hand. And in the other is what I am going to do with that knowledge. Every week, through an adventure, I am trying to move the needle as they say... push it closer to the life I want to live and away from the life of fear.

Do yo want to hear about that?

What do you want from me?

***

What Do You Want From Me?

I Like You

You guys are awesome. First of all there are so many new readers and that just blows my mind. I'm spending tonight & tomorrow getting back to everyone who commented on posts because it means the world to me that you do.

My whole life, I have been taught to never say when I'm sad, afraid, nervous... are nervous and afraid the same thing? Through my Dad's heart transplant, my cousins deaths, when I donated my kidney to my Dad - I was told, "never let anyone see you cry," "don't let people be burdened with your emotion, it will make them feel bad."

So this blog is like major rebellion for a good girl like me. And the fact that people read it and say they're inspired by it-- Amaze-mas. Yeah, new word I made up. Like when something is as amazing as Christmas is to a five year old. Amaze-mas.

I have to make jokes when I am talking about emotional things.

I'm working on it.

Anyway, yes, this is a short post so I can get back to all of you. In the meantime, I wanted to show some mad love for people who took the time to comment, and who either made me have to reach for a box of Kleenex, or made me laugh so hard Folgers coffee came out of my nose.

I heart you all. Okay, love. I do, I love you guys.

Aubrey said... I love you. Can I say I love you or is that a little creepy? Like, weird internet stalker creepy or weird random person in the street that comes up and hugs you creepy? Oh well. I guess I'm creepy then.

Lia said... That is the most beautiful post I've ever read. I found you on Twitter and I just get everything you are saying. I'm so glad I found this blog. I feel like you are speaking to me.

Lynda with a Y said... Seriously? I think I have a girl crush on you. Anyone who has been sucked in by the beast that is depression--well let me just say--your blog is a tiny little miracle. Thanks.

simone said... oooo brave brave brave! and bravo to you. I am standing at the foot of a bridge wondering if I should walk around and cross it, thanks for this timely post on being happy. xxoo

hope n laughter said... 1. Keep writing, I've missed your post and I'm glad that your still kickin' and screamin'. 2. You write what I'm thinking, but in a much more intresting way. 3. Feel that you and the Eat, Pray, Love are the same, except with you I get to experince your journey with you.

Kristen said... You.Are.Awesome.

Jennifer H said... Brillant. Beautiful. I would love to post this link on my blog! I have just hit a wall I have never hit before...and you sum it up all very well. And have given me hope. I can feel something inside, the childlike wonder of life of me, stir in excitement, instead of just seeing the the overbearing responsibilities I feel. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Krista said... I'm in awe right now. It's taken me 24 hrs to respond and it's still not going to make sense. I can't believe i'm not alone. There are others at the bottom of this miserable, painful, dark, pit. And there is hope to see light again. Thank you God for allowing me to find your blog last while driving home during a 17 hr trip. Somewhere near Buffalo,I found a friend in the darkness.

Okay... where is that Kleenex box???? You guys are the best. You have no idea... your comments are changing my life because they inspire me to keep me moving forward. So thank you. Really, thank you. xoxoxoxo

PS... If you're a New New reader there are a few posts will be helpful if you want to know the inspiration for writing this blog go back and read You Can Get To The Other Side - June 20, 2010; Some Stuff About Me - June 27, 2010 and Adventure Bowl: Let's Kick Ass & Takes Names Later - June 23, 2010.

Also, feel free to follow me as I am a naughty naughty infrequent bad girl poster. xoxoxo And if you join my Facebook page we can have ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS. Oh, those are the best!

I Like You

You are not ALONE

This is a reprint of an older Post. I was recently asked what was my favorite post and it was this one. I think because I started getting honest (with you and with me) about body & weight issues. But also because the comments were incredible - it reassured me, I was not alone.

Because my self-esteem is completely tied to the number of hits a day I get, I, sometimes, (many times) go to Sitemeter and check on who's looking and for how long. Sometimes, the thing that will crack me up is someone googling "Dirty, Naughty Girls" and then they find my blog.

CREEPY.

Today, I noticed a girl had googled a topic that lead her to this blog and I looked closer to see what the topic was and...

IT BROKE MY HEART.

Because she googled, "I AM TOO FAT, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME." (Which led her to my entry, "Oh, My God, You're So Fat! Congratulations") I wanted to jump through the computer and fly through the internet and land in her bedroom, living room, library, coffee shop, dorm room, where ever and GIVE HER A BIG FAT HUG.

Then we would sit down and have a CUP CAKE (Red Velvet) and I would say, "You are not alone."

I have felt that way at this weight. I have felt that way, 20 pounds lighter than this AND I HAVE FELT THAT WAY, five years ago, AT MY HIGH SCHOOL WEIGHT, on a work retreat, wearing the cutest TANK-INI with cherry blossoms and abs and Renne Zellweger arms and still FELT THAT WAY.

I even felt that way, AT MY HIGH SCHOOL DANCE, at a perfect weight, though still wearing a girdle EVEN THOUGH I attended the dance with my sort-of-cousin AND OBVIOUSLY WAS NOT looking to get any. (Though I did feel a little heat as we uncomfortably slow danced to some Whitney Houston song.)

It makes me sad that I so COULDN'T SEE MYSELF, even at the most perfect weight, that I had to continue the FEMALE TORTURE of dieting, gaining, hating myself, RINSE, REPEAT.

So of course, I want to save someone who is going through that. DON'T BE ME. I could DIE admitting this. But remember, when my shrink told me, "YOU ARE NOT YOUR BODY?" And I was like, "Yes, I am! I am my Body. I am my Fat! Every problem I have is because of this! (Dramatically grab BACK FAT in defiance) I'm outta here!" Maybe she was right.

Maybe I HAD TO THINK, "I AM MY BODY... I AM MY WEIGHT, I DON'T DESERVE HAPPINESS UNTIL I'M THIN," MAYBE I had to think that, I had to believe it, because if I didn't and I wasn't obsessed WITH ALL THINGS DIET & WEIGHT LOSS... I would really have to LIVE.

AND THAT'S WHAT REALLY SCARES ME.

So I would say to this girl, "You Are Not Your Body" and "Don't Stop Living and Doing The Things You Love Because You Got A Little Junk In Your Trunk." Have fun, people with ample bosoms and stomachs and thighs deserve FUN. Write in your journal, stay ON TOP OF THOSE EMOTIONS. Get a Girl Gang like I have that you can talk to. GO TO THERAPY, it's AWESOME. But don't isolate, don't get under the covers, DON'T PUT off LIVING because of your WEIGHT. Because you are not your body.

You'll get there, just like me, just like all of us. Because YOU are not alone.


If you would like to repost this to your blog, please do! Just add a link to 100 Days In Bed. Feel free to Twitter or Facebook a link, I would love as many women to read this as possible. And of course, your comments, THEY ARE BETTER THAN A HOT FUDGE SUNDAE! So leave one!

You are not ALONE

Adventure Bowl Do Something In L.A. You Have Never Done Before

I was super psyched when I picked this adventure. Mostly because two posts ago, I talked about many of the adventures that were in the bowl, and while readers were inspired by them, many mentioned that getting pink hair or riding in a helicopter was not going to happen no-way, no-how, due to their finances.

People, I'm with you. In fact, you can't believe the amount of stuff that's being sold on Craigslist, ebay & soon... a yard sale to feed my adventure-ness. But yes, we also need some that are free or next-to-free. That's why "Do Something in LA You Have Never Done. No planning. JUST GO" got me all tingly. 'Cuz I knew I could have a ball and not empty out my wallet.

All of my adventures have a purpose. The purpose of this one? I WANT TO BE MORE SPONTANEOUS - hence the "No planning. Just go" clause of the adventure. I want to not be intimidated by places... "Oh, I can't go there. It's too fancy, too exclusive, it's too far away."

If I let my brain get into "excuse mode," I will have talked myself, not only OUT of the adventure, but INTO takeout Chinese and a "CSI" repeat.

Puh-lease.

I'm working really hard at shutting down the nega-tiva of my brain. So I pick this adventure and hop into my Jeep. I never know where I am going to end up so I always take my fake Louis Vuitton bag that I bought for 16 bucks. I feel like it will get me in anywhere I want to go. Well, that and a little swagger walk.

In the bag goes a wallet, a bathing suit, sunscreen, a sweater and a wine opener. I feel like adventures are more fun with wine. A quick pop into 7-11, now I have 2 bottles of my favorite wine "Bearflag" white. Have you tried it? It's sublime. Light & delicious & now I don't need my wine opener 'cause it's a screw top.

By now, I know where I want to go. To Yamashiro restaurant. Have you ever heard of it? I've been told it's the most beautiful spot in Los Angeles because it's built 250 feet above Hollywood Blvd. so it has the most magical views of the city. But a place like this is intimidating because it's exclusive, a celebrity stop and a bit posh. That feeling of "you wouldn't fit in here" has kept me from going all these years. That and the $30 entrees.

But now I'm determined to sneak up there and drink wine on the grounds and soak in the view. With two bottles of wine, I can call in reinforcements to join me - good friends who will definitely join me on the adventure, once I've scoured things out and made sure it's safe.

I drive up the forever winding driveway of the restaurant and notice a sign for a Farmer's Market. It's actually taking place that night on a section of the grounds. This is awesome because my friend told me the gardens of Yamashiro are impossible to get into.

The Farmer's Market is not huge but there are tables there. I pluck down at one and call three friends. "Get over here and bring a wine glass." I'm currently sneaking my Bearflag white into a paper gelato container but I'll bust out the bottle on the table if my friends bring wine glasses.

Soon, my best-ies show up, each perplexed as to why they were summoned to Yamashiro with their own wine glass. By now I'm buzzed and I pull my two wine bottles out onto the table. No hesitation, not even with the wine booth selling by the glass wine, two feet over. Hey, they're not selling my favorite wine so technically, they forced me to do this.

Lots of laughter and silliness and "Why haven't we EVER been up here before?" I think we all felt the same way... it was just too intimidating. Too expensive. To out of reach. We don't own outfits for this! So I was excited that I got everybody over there. The sunset was the most magical thing I have ever seen. Sigh. Another adventure done.

The total for the night? $2 for valet. $20 for wine (but every one chipped in, so let's say really $5) and a split of a $10 glass of wine from the restaurant so an amazing adventure was had for $12.

If you live in LA, you must go. If you live anywhere else, you need to go to the place everyone is always telling you to go. Stop holding back, putting it off, waiting until a special birthday or anniversary. The time to adventure, to do something you really want to do, to be daring is NOW.

A few days later, I got the compliment of my life. A friend of a friend who heard the Yamashiro adventure story turned to me and said, "I just love hearing stories about you. You sound like so much fun."

SWOON STATUS.

All I could think of was, yes, that's how I want to be seen. If I am seen that way, I will see myself that way. If I see myself that way - I WILL BE THAT WAY.

Happy-go-lucky, sneaky sneaky wine smuggling girl, surrounded by all her friends laughing and enjoying the sunset will just be ingrained in my heart. Part of my DNA, racking up more memories of fun until the fun smothers the memories of me curled up in bed and a little lost to the world.

That sounds like a good plan.

(And yes, I know I need photos to capture these adventures. We need a sponsor so we can get some iPhone money, m'kay? Until then, I have to rely on the kindness of strangers and/or the internet.)

Adventure Bowl
Do Something In L.A. You Have Never Done Before

Some Stuff About Me

I just did this questionaire for http://inspiredmess.blogspot.com and she's going to turn it into some kind of dazzling piece for her website.

Thank God because I haven't even had my second cup of coffee so Lord knows if it makes any sense. Yes, I know it's long. BUT I'M WORTH IT.

I just thought, if you're new, maybe I'd post it here, until her piece comes out.

1. Can you briefly share your story with us?

I'm a comedy writer living in LA who just thought she was living the dream. I had the most fabulous job in the world, literally, a dream job that you can't even imagine you'd ever have because you never could dream that big. I had a boyfriend, financial security (had just bought my first house) and my family was happy and healthy. And I was skinny too!

And then in a matter of months, it all went away. My boyfriend and I broke up, my cousin was murdered, I lost my job and had to move renters in my house and my Mom had a nervous breakdown. I got under the covers. Deep. I was so depressed... at this point, I wasn't even thinking about it ALL and how it ALL changed so fast. I was just deeply, deeply devastated at losing my cousin.

Two years later, I was still in the same place. No job, had gained a lot of weight. Depressed, isolating, feeling like a giant failure. If your job is to be funny but your life is the EXACT opposite of funny - it's going to be hard to be successful at it.

Plus, I didn't care. i didn't care about anything.

My cousin's second anniversary of death was coming around and I was just lost at sea. I started thinking about how he might see me. (I'm Catholic so yeah, I think about this stuff, like how he might literally see me from heaven.)

I thought he would not be proud of me that all I do is lay under the covers all day and be sad. I knew he would want a better life for me. To live a life that he had taken away. It also struck me that his brother and his father had made great strides in their grieving and I couldn't even get out of bed.

So that's why I started the blog. i saw it as a documentation of trying to piece my life back and maybe if someone was watching, I would have to be accountable and stick with it.

2. What made you want to start blogging? Have you always been a blogger?

So I think I answered this at the end of question 1, but please let me know if I can elaborate. I will say I have journaled since I was 12. Always writing down my thoughts and feelings. I feel like that was definitely a stepping stone with not only blogging but being okay with being REALLY real and raw and honest in my blogging because I just saw it as an extension of journaling.

But what also made me wanted to start blogging is because EVERY ONE in the world said I should read Eat Pray Love and that was going to magically transport me out of my depression. When I read it, I felt both thrilled and angered by it at the same time. I was happy for her, I was happy for whoever read it and was inspired by it. But for me, there was no way I could travel around the world for a year and a half and visit 3 countries as a way to find myself. I COULDN'T EVEN GET OUT OF BED. But I liked that she took action. So that nugget stayed with me, "Take action." Take action to get out of my depression. Okay, I'll do that.

3. How did you get the idea for the bowl of adventures?

The idea for the adventures came from, let's say six years ago. I was dating someone and the relationship was falling apart. Let me define that - I was still totally into him but he was calling the shots. Ladies, please note: if a guy doesn't want to spend time with you on the weekends, please take that as a cue that it's over.

Anyway, because my job was to be a funny writer lady and be upbeat, I could kind of hold it together all week and not really think about my disintegrating relationship. But on the weekends, I was just in the abyss, missing him, wondering what had gone wrong. Were we together, were we not?

I realized I was wasting away the person I used to be worrying about this relationship that obviously, was not bringing out the best qualities in me. So to make the weekends go by faster, I would read the LA Weekly which is a huge guide to what is going on that week in LA. i would rip out every single fun thing I wanted to do. An art gallery, a band, a wine tasting, this funky space where people made T-shirts while a DJ spinned.

It was a way to reclaim who I was and who I lost through this relationship. I used to keep all these ripped out articles in a bowl and then pull them out through the weekend. If I couldn't go to one, it would stay in the bowl to choose for another time. I started nick naming it "the adventure bowl" and there it was born.

4. What's your favorite adventure that you've been on so far?

I think pool crashing. See, every adventure is not just about the adventure but a larger thing. Pool crashing was about me stepping out of my regular self. The day I pool crashed, I was not just sweet and polite and obeying the rules. Or scared or taking no for an answer. I was daring and bold and persistent. I took something that seemed to be impossible - getting to a roof top pool at an exclusive hotel, on Memorial day, with security guards and wrist bands and a huge line and guest lists and still made it happen.

5. What's your scariest/most intimidating adventure that you've had to do so far?

I haven't had one yet but I recently put in ones like "Show up to the airport and get on a plane" or "get a nose ring." For both of those, I am trying to face something. Be more spontaneous, step out of conformity, remember who you were. So I think those will be intimidating and for the nose ring, I mean, come on, that's just going to hurt.

6. What's your favorite blog post that you've written? Which blog post has gotten the most reaction from your readers?

The biggest reaction might have been a post I wrote called "You Are Not Alone." I have a sitemeter hooked up to my blog where I can see how long people have read, what site brought them to me or what key words they searched to find me. I was looking at this one night and I saw a young girl's key words had been, "I AM SO FAT NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME."

I was devastated to read this and I wrote a post, not just to the readers but really directly to her about my whole life of weight obsessions and diets and being brutal to myself and how looking back now, I lost so much of my life to worrying and obsessing about weight. And all I wanted to do was save her from that. but also tell her she was not alone.

I encouraged her to love her body, get awesome friends, write in her journal, have fun, eat red velvet cup cakes but do not, do not lose your youth to obsessing about weight. And people REALLY responded to that. I was floored and really, really touched. Especially because I had never told any of my friends about my weight struggles and all of the garbage that goes through my head about weight and body image... and I knew that might read that. but I didn't care.

And I think readers really respond to honesty and realness.

7. What's the most significant way that your life has changed in the last two years?

A year ago I fell down a hill, maybe 60, 70 feet. My head hit a retaining wall and I was knocked unconscious. The woman who found me called 911 and thought I was dead. I broke a bone in my arm, dislocated my shoulder, needed staples in my head, stitches in my elbow, a year of physical therapy, surgery and sustained a head injury.

That's what brought me back to the blog. That and hearing my cousin had brain cancer. I had taken a year and a half off the blog and my life was heading back to a "get under the covers again" state. Then those things happened. I realized I needed the life line that the adventure bowl and blogging brought me the first time around.

So that is the biggest change for me. How do you live your life after you've faced your mortality? Do you ignore it because it scared you? Or do you live by the promise you made to yourself, to live the best life ever because it was almost taken away. It sounds like an obvious answer but I still struggle with it.

8. What inspires you?

Readers comments inspire me. They make me cry, think, laugh. When they say I inspire them, I lose my mind. Because it seems unreal that I was in such a desperate place not so long ago. What also inspires me is the reminder I keep getting that life is fragile and short and meant to be lived.

9. What five words would you use to describe yourself?'

1) unconventional 2) searcher 3) sensitive 4) funny, oh, my god, i hope funny 5) persistent ( or trying to be)

10. What would you say to somebody going thru one of life's trials right now?

"You can get to the other side." If someone is really depressed and reading that, it will be meaningless. That's how tight depression's grip can be. So I would say - go take a shower, then walk five minutes in the sunshine, then buy yourself some flowers. Did you do that? okay, now listen to me. "You can get to the other side." It is REALLY REALLY hard work but it beats the hell out of staying in bed or staying on the side lines of life.

Journal, wrote all your sad scary feelings down. You have to get the feelings out to ever replace the hole with good things and feelings. Can you get therapy? GO. I went. It feels good to surrender. To have someone listen. To say you are not alone. it's not always going to be like this. here are some baby steps you can make to make your life feel better.

Reach out. tell a friend. Depression is the biggest secret women are keeping from each other. Depression is like this dirty word that no one talks about but almost all are feeling at one time or another, either on a small scale or a huge scale. You are not alone.

11. What are you most looking forward to in the future?

To me, I have discovered, through my cousin's death, my accident, my mother's and cousin's illness - the secret to life is HAPPINESS. Now the happiness is the hard work - you have to keep working at it. So that's what I am most looking forward to - being happy, laughing. Letting go of stress and worry and fear and things that do not matter and do not serve me. Specifically, I would like to travel, spend more time with my family and if I could, spread this message around more to people who need it.

12. Do you have a favorite quote?

I don't have a favorite quote, per say, but I saw this one the other day and posted it on my blog: "Kiss your life. Accept it, just as it is. Today. Now.
So that those moments of happiness you’re waiting
for don’t pass you by."

You know what? That's pretty good, I think that is my favorite quote.

Some Stuff About Me

Adventure Bowl Let's Kick Ass & Takes Names Later

UPDATE: Overwhelmed by all the comments and new readers. There are pics up on Facebook of this week's adventure which was GLORIOUS! I'll post about it this weekend. Love you guys!

If you can come up with a better title to this post, please leave it in the comment section. The winner will get some used perfume I don't want anymore. (Hmmm, you think everything here is so serious? Well, hold onto your Chuck Taylors.)

Okay, so a lot of readers wanted a list of some of the adventures that are in the bowl so you can an idea of what I'm up to.

I'm so excited that there are so many new readers (100 more people followed me on Twitter today). For the New-new, I wanted to say I'm doing one adventure a week as a way to keep the blues away & live life to the fullest. I got a jolt of a wake-up call when my Mom told me my cousin has brain cancer and had a tumor the size of a softball taken out of his head.

I started crying when she told me (and yes, I know this is a super selfish confession...) realized if I had been told the same news, I would not be proud of how I've lived my life so far.

I have not taken enough chances; I have been too afraid about finances; I have not had a back bone when I should have; I have kept too many secrets; I have not chased my dreams to my fullest (fear of failure, fear of success, fear of mediocrity); I have not traveled - always saying, "I'll do it later... after this big project"; I have not laughed enough; I have not loved enough, I have put a wall up way too far, I have not felt the full potential of my own JOY and it's my own fault.

I hold myself back.

I do these things... and it's not even conscious anymore.

I don't want to be this way anymore.

I am doing these weekly adventures because I think if we surprise ourselves, step out of our comfort zones, be spontaneous, confront fears, give ourselves JUST ONE HOUR to smile... then we will feel the reward. The spark. That little part of ourselves, that used to be a bigger part of ourselves, that gets smaller and smaller the more we work, and run errands, and cross things off our list and put every one else before ourselves.

So let's not do that anymore. That hasn't been working out quite so well for us, has it?

So here we go! Here's a small sample of what's in the bowl:

1) Ride a motorcycle BY MYSELF (I have always wanted to... I have to start going after things that I really want).

2) Learn pottery (I want to feel like a kid again, when things were simplier & smiles and laughter were never in short supply.)

3) Get pink hair (I stop myself from doing things because I worry to much what people think).

4) Show up at the airport with no plan and get on a plane (My biggest regret in life is that I am so scared of finances THAT I NEVER LET MYSELF GO! I need to believe in abundance and GO FOR IT).

5) Help change someone's life. (Someone swore I already did this but It's back in the bowl.)

6) Be in a roller derby. ('Cause it scares the shit out of me. Because I am tired of everything scaring the shit out of me. Since I dislocated my shoulder & broke my arm, I am waaaay to cautions. i want to be reckless.)

7) Kayak the Venice canals (Venice, California people. What? you think I'm made of money???? This ain't no "Eat Pray Love.")

8) Take a helicopter ride (How? Have 3 yard sales in order to fund this. See above, re: $ situation)

9) Curate an art show (I know so many creative people & friends that no one will give a break to. Someone gave a break to me. I want to give that back.)

10) Get "down there" waxed (Nope, never done it.)

11) Make out with a stranger (Self-explanatory).

12) Bring flowers to someone in the hospital. (Because when my Mom was in the hospital, when I was, I saw so many lonely people and it TAKES SO LITTLE to be kind to someone else.)

13) Go to "beer making" class (Joy, something new, something I can show my Dad. We don't bond over conversation, we bond over experiences.)

14) Follow a band I love from city to city. (Note to self: have 4th yard sale.) (This has been a dream of a life time. I grew up too fast, took on too much responsibility. Worked too hard. I want to go back and fix this one thing. I want to be a good example to my nephews.)

15) Make out with a stranger. (Yeah, I know... but c'mon.)

Of course there are a million more. Well, not a million. Want to know what they are? i guess you'll just have to come along for the ride.

Am I scared? Hell, yeah, I am. I cried laying this whole post down because I realized that I have... lost a lot of who I am. Someone, God or Budda or Elvis keeps giving me a direct sign to LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST and I keep fucking ignoring him/her. How many signs will I ignore? Ending up in the hospital with heart beating 3x as fast as it should and having it stopped and restarted - check! Having my cousin killed by a maniac - check! Falling down a hill, having a tramautic brain injury (docs words, not mine) & needing surgery - check! Hearing my cousin, a cancer researcher, might die from cancer?

Oh, no. Not ignoring that.

I don't think the post "You Can Get To The Other Side" would have gotten as huge a response if more people didn't feel like me. Feels good to not be alone. You're not alone either.

So who's up for some pink hair?

If you love this post, ReTweet it or Facebook it. It would mean a lot to me xoxoxoxo. (PS, if you post on FB, let me know so I can personally thank you!)

xoxoxoxo Let's get to the other side.

Adventure Bowl
Let's Kick Ass & Takes Names Later

You Can Get To The Other Side

When I started this blog is was because in a matter of months my cousin was murdered, I broke up with my boyfriend, I lost my job and my Mom... she lost her mind. Not the medical term for what happened but it will do.

I laid in bed for months. The loss of the job was somewhat of a relief since I was a comedy writer working on a TV show and I had now lost all ability to be funny. I could see my life that I knew disappearing before me. I was disappearing too. How could I ever emerge without being completely damaged? I didn't want to die but I knew this was not living.

Every one in the damn world said I should read "Eat Pray Love." "She's going through exactly what you're going through." Um, no she's not. She's getting divorced, my family's preparing for a trial.

But there was that damn book. Everywhere. In the airport on the way to the funeral. Women devouring it in a coffee shop, at cafes, in hotel bars. I realized what might be stopping me was my own stubbornness. I was in the mind set that things COULD NEVER GET BETTER. And I resented that anyone was going to to tell me I could get on the other side and make me pay $14.95 for it.

No, there was just this side. Imagine a nightmare where you are standing in quick sand as your drown in a tsunami of guilt, pain, anger, depression and hopelessness. Times it by 100. And I'm just the cousin. You can imagine how my surviving cousin and aunt and uncle felt. Times it by a 1000.

But that book, it was just so constantly in my face. And one say... I bought it. At Goodwill for 2 bucks. So score 1 for me, Elizabeth Gilbert, 0. I read it, I got it. I got why everyone loved it. It's hope between to card board covers.

But it would never work, not for me, not for most women. It sold what, 4 million copies? How many of those 4 million took a year and a half out of their jobs and left their families to travel to three countries to find themselves?

Now before you and your book club come and beat me with your Eat Pray Love hardcover, autographed editions, know this: I admired her. Because she got what most of us women feel - we are in a rut. We are bored, overwhelmed, over worked, over parenting. We've lost our spark. We've lost ourselves but we are too crazed to do anything about it. We have looked up and said, "How is this our lives?"

But most of all I admired her because SHE TOOK ACTION. I like that. She identified her problem and she decided to take time to fix it.

But it still made me feel empty. EMPTY. Is that the only solution? Will I only get over this despondent sadness by spending tens of thousands of dollars, leaving any possibility of work to travel the world? I mean, at this point, I can't even get out of bed.

But I took her example of TAKING ACTION. How can I get out of bed? Okay, what if I thought of one really fun thing I could do. Something I have never done before (paddle board, sing in a rock band, ride and elephant) things that I'd given up doing because "I'm an adult now" (get pink hair) and things that just scared the crap out of me (literally, THE CRAP) (jump out of an airplane, be in a roller derby).

Okay... okay, one fun thing a week. That will take what? Two hours and then I can go back to bed? Done. I'll do it.

Now, I "Eat Pray Love" without leaving my city, without leaving my job, without spending tens of thousands of dollars. I made a list of adventures. I put them on index cards, folded them up and put them in a bowl. Each week, I pull one having no idea if that day I'm crashing a Bat Mitzvah, taking a beer making class or learning how to surf.

And it is thrilling and exhilarating and life like I didn't know. Or I knew it but I had moved so far past that happy-go-lucky be spontaneous and love it girl, that I some how forgot. To live. This one life. That is so challenging. And there are so many times, I just want to do errands, or call the cable company and yell or cross one thing off my list BUT I DON'T.

I go. I pool crash. I ride Ferris wheels. I go to a sewing class.

Because it's beyond the adventure - IT'S WHAT I GET FROM IT. Strength, energy, confidence. If you take something you never thought you could do, for me it was trapeze lessons, you will FEEL so STRONG AND BOLD AND FEARLESS that the next time you are faced with something you have purported that you'd never be able to do - you know have the confidence that you can.

It's also put me on the other side of grief and sadness. It's made me feel happy again and positive and hopeful. And a month ago, when I felt like I was slipping back to the other side, I knew it was because I had slacked on the promise I made to myself to do an adventure once a week.

So here I am again. When I found out my cousin had brain cancer a month ago, I had a shocking revelation that had I been confronted with how I'd lived my life so far - I would not be happy. I would be disappointed that I had played it safe, worried to much, didn't take enough risks, didn't have enough fun.

I reinstated the adventures because I NEVER need to be where I was after my cousin died. I need to be over here. On the this side. The other side.

I'm hoping that in doing what I am doing, I will be in the happiest, most clear head and I can make a decision of a lifetime... to move to New York and start a new business. The fear is palpable. But the fear was possible when I climbed up the trapeze ladder... and stood on the platform... and had to grab onto that rope thing-y.

But then... I leaped.

AWESOME.

Come join me on the other side. Whether it's a break-up, divorce, loss of a job, illness or loss... you can get to the other side. I promise.

***

You Can Get To The Other Side

Adventure Bowl Do Something That Makes You Feel Like a Kid Again!

If you're life is busy and hectic with a list a mile long of errands, to do's and ASAPs, then you need a break. A JOY break.

When I found myself at my spiritual, emotional and exhaustion filled "bottom," I knew I had to do something about it. For me, I had a great motivator. It was coming up on my cousin's anniversary of death and I felt ashamed that instead of celebrating his life, instead of living the biggest fullest life that he would want me to live... I was stuck in bed, feeling lonely and alone. And hopeless.

So I pushed myself. One adventure a week. One thing to get me out of the house. One thing to help me find my joy.

It worked. As you know, I'm back at it again. And nothing makes me more excited than this week's adventure: "Do Something That Makes You Feel Like A Kid Again." Oh, man, I could think of a million!

Play Rundown, Swing on a swing, Blow Bubbles, go Ice Skating, Stand on my Skate Board and "surf" off the back of my friend's car. (But since I recently broke and had surgery on my shoulder... that will have to wait for another time!)

And then it came to me. I wanna ride a Ferris Wheel! I want to go way up high and feel thrilled and scared and laugh and eat cotton candy!

So it's on! I'm leaving right now and I CANNOT WAIT! When I pool crashed, I literally had this excited, "Nothing can stop me now" feeling that I'm getting already. It's that "kid excitement." I love that!

I'll update this post on Monday.

So, what's one thing YOU COULD DO this weekend that would make you feel like a kid again? Dying to hear :)


Ooo, and I know I can be a bad girl with infrequent postings, so please follow if you want to know when a new post is up!

Adventure Bowl
Do Something That Makes You Feel Like a Kid Again!

The Insane Ramblings of a Tequila Filled Nut

I LOVE how profound I think I am when I have too many margaritas. Margaritas are you see, my truth serum. So I had many... many for me Saturday night and I wrote kind of, what seemed to me the most truthful, insightful, meaningful post of A LIFETIME.

Then the next day with out reading it, I took it down - mostly, I was too afraid I had been too honest about some aspects of my life. But reading it today, I see it really should have been taken down for self-indulgent navel gazing and bad grammar.

The gist was... that after experiencing this giant fall, of which I have been told by many doctors, that I am lucky to be alive and even more doctors, that I am lucky to not be paralyzed - after all that, why am I not like, traveling the world, having bikini waxes in Brazil, my hair braided in Costa Rica and laying out on Diddy's yacht in the Seychelles?

How many more life changing moments do I need in life to move, move, move?

Here's an excerpt of what I wrote where I'm frustrated that I am trying to convey to friends that I feel like something is missing but no one, perhaps because of their fears of their own lives, wants to engage in any kind of deep meaningful conversation.

"I am frustrated because I feel like I am reaching out to friends to say, I can't stand this way of life... I'm in on the secret, IT COULD END AT ANY TIME and yet -- they just smile politely as if they don't know what I am talking about. As if I am having a tantrum and if they just ignore me it will all blow over.

Is anyone getting what I'm feeling? I feel really alone, like I want to BUST OUT but there is no support, like to be my own, STEAD FAST, DETERMINED person. It would not be supported AND the fact that I might be alone pursuing this new life... makes me afraid.

Is anyone getting what I'm feeling?

There's more to write. The short version is, as I have been telling friends, I want to quit my job and move and try to live the life I would live if I weren't so afraid - I AM GETTING SOOOOO MUCH RESISTANCE to that. And it's making me feel resentful but it's also working because it is nagging at my deepest insecurities.

So I will leave you with that and I will write more soon.

But I'd be interested to know, do you ever feel like friends hold you back? Because of their own fears? Or is it jealously that you might make your life better while they are not ready too?

Share!

PS, some of you asked me to add a "Follow" button so you wouldn't miss any more drunken rants! Please follow!

The Insane Ramblings of a Tequila Filled Nut

Do What I Say & Lose 5 Pounds Instantly!

Don't I sound like one of those bad commercials at 3:00am? So I've dipped back in my adventure bowl (where, PS, I added "pose for a nude-y photo" - don't blame me, you guys voted for it on Twitter!) and the last two weekend adventures have been awesome.

And not just 'cause I lost five pounds. Which I know is totally tied to being super extra happy after doing something that is unexpected, exciting and totally out of my comfort zone.

Every adventure that I put in the bowl has a reason. Like when, I got offered from a blogger to take a nude photo (and we're talking shadows and hands placed in VERY stratigic places), I put it in the bowl because I want to confront body issues and that seemed like a cool way to do so.

So let me cover the last 2 week adventures. The first was to crash a hotel pool. The reason for this one is I'm so much of a goody-goody it hurts but I knew crashing on Memorial Day at The Standard in downtown LA would be near impossible. I like challenges that are a little naughty too, do I grabbed my bathing suit, fake Louis Vuitton bag (which I'm convinced will get me in anywhere) and my computer.

Once I got down there, I could not believe the line, it was wrapped around the hotel. Shit, how was I going to get in there. I went through a side door that I saw an employee come through which happened to be DUH, another entrance. So there I was, in the luxury, air conditioned innards of the hotel while every one else waited in line. I think a lot of spray tans and hair gel was blocking people's ability to walk AROUND to the side entrance.

Okay, now I'm in, but their is a guard at the escalator. Fine, I researched this. I got this. I get on the elevator, go to the 12th floor where I know there is an elevator that takes guests right to the roof. Activate Louis Vuitton bag.

I press the button to go up. Then again. And again and again again again again again again again again AGAIN! Nothing. They shut off this elevator because of people like me. This does not deter me, it actually makes me waaaaay more determined. I find a fire door and climb the stairs. (Note to self: more cardio workouts).

I'm just outside the door and I can hear a guard's walkie-talkie crackling. Are you KIDDING me? Come on! I open the door. He tells me, I can't be up there. I say all I want to do is give my (fake made up) boss his computer bag. I wave my (fake) Louis Vuitton in front of him. "Go downstairs and get a wrist band."

And then he slams the door in my face.

Now, a vein is about to burst out of my neck! I'm getting in that frickin' pool. I go downstairs. Think, plan, pace. Then there he is.

Josh Molina. Do you know who that is? He was on "The West Wing" and my fav show of all time, "Sports Night." Anyhoo... he has just checked in with his wife and the staff is fawning all over him. I mean, the oozing, sickening super fake LA fawning. I get in the elevator with him and his wife. They get out, I go to the roof top.

God, I hope this works.

I go to a different security guard and before he can slam the door in my face, I tell him that I have to get my boss' computer to him right now. "My boss... Josh Molina." And then I'm in.

Yep.

Never take no for an answer.

I canon balled the shit out of that pool and then I got the hell out of there. But I never felt so fierce in my life. Just like... I can do anything.

The other adventure pales in comparison so I don't want to ruin this new awesome memory buzz I'm having right now. Excited to see what this week end brings.

Please don't let it be nude photos!

I LOVE your comments. Please leave one :)

Do What I Say & Lose 5 Pounds Instantly!